In Love

I was so nervous I wouldn't be. I was afraid I wouldn't like this little miss very much. I remembered how hard brand new babies are, and I was scared.
But: I am In Love.
She is so laid back and easy, if she cries there is a reason. She sleeps like a champ, eats predictably, and is about the sweetest thing I've seen in at least 4 years.
I love her blond but long eyelashes, her tiny toe nails, the wrinkle around her wrists, her double dimpled cheeks, the way she bops herself in the nose when she sneezes, her cry that sounds like an 'h', the tai chi she performs when she has a full tummy and is checking the world out, her friar tuck hairstyle, the puppy noises she makes when she's sleeping.
It's almost not fair how much I get to love her.

Little Miss

Little Miss M made her grand entrance at 8am. She is perfectly lovely. She looks almost exactly like E. She is feeding well, and content most of the time. We are so blessed to have her in our family.
Will post a picture eventually, still getting into the swing of things.

Honestly

Ask some of my oldest and dearest friends what one of my character traits is and one of the top will more than likely be my honesty. If you ask my opinion, or for help on something or for advice, I will always give you my honest thoughts. If you are one of my close friends, sometimes the thoughts may seem harsh, but I never give them in a mean spirited way. I expect that if you ask me, it's because you really want to know, so I will tell you. Of course I strive to give it as tactfully as possible and with as much cushioning as possible, but it will be the truth, you are guaranteed that. This is always done with love and I know that the understanding between us will make the truth palatable. I would expect nothing less from my friends. If I ask it, I don't want to be lied to, I want to know. I rarely take offense and assume that others are the same (maybe this isn't such a super assumption, but hey, I'm being honest here). My good friends love me because of (or maybe in spite of) this. I have a hard time with people who ask loaded questions then get their feelings hurt because they didn't hear the answer they had been hoping for. Often times when a question is asked and I'm not sure how the truth will be received I will ask, "Do you want the truth or an easier answer?" I will never offer my opinion or advice that might seem unkind without being asked. Simply: if you don't want to know, don't ask. If I have never complimented your shoes, and it will make you cry to know that I think they are hideous, don't ask. If I have never said your baby is cute, go ahead and assume that I think he is, but don't ask, because I just may not think that Jr. is adorable. And on the flip side, I don't give compliments or praise that I am not sincere about. I won't tell you that you look like you've lost weight or that your new haircut is super cute, if I don't honestly believe it.
Another of my traits that my close friends know about is that I have an exceptional aversion to strangers. I have a hard time chatting with people who I don't know well, have little in common with, will probably never/have no desire to ever see again.
And lastly, another aspect of my personality: I am not a toucher. I find almost all kinds of touch to be very intimate, and only appropriate in certain conditions: being physical with my husband, snuggling my big and little babies, a hug and kiss for my dad, a hug for a friend in need (a touch I use only when I feel 100% it is needed), a pat on the back for a friend who has done well, a handshake with a member of the ward. I am frequently astounded at the casualness with which some people use these kinds of touch. The 60 year old man (who I have on good authority talks about his appreciation or disapproval of the physiques of ladies in the ward) who will rub my back as I pass by, the overly friendly bagger at the grocery store who strokes the hair of my children, or tickles them on the back, the complete stranger (or even casual acquaintance) who assumes because I'm pregnant that I will appreciate a hand on my belly. I don't get it and I certainly don't welcome it.
Here's the problem: Why can't I use my honesty to tell these people to stop, that I would prefer to not be touched, or stroked, or manhandled in anyway. Why am I so up front with those I love and so scared of hurting the feelings of these people who I have no connection with? Do I care more about these strangers taking offense than those who really matter? Is the fear of confrontation so ingrained in me that I sit back and let people do what they want for fear of their backlash? Why do I care?! I don't know. Honestly, I don't.

$1,000,000 Question by M

M: Mom, if you put your finger in your booger hole will you be able to touch your brain?
Me: No, you won't be able to touch your brain.
M: (With a sigh of disappointment) Oh, okay.

Guess What is NOT Fun

Termites



Yes, friend, we have the joy of being in the company of dry wood termites here at the Gilbert House. These little lovelies are making a meal out of our kitchen cabinets, and during the warm weather love to swarm out of the kitchen cabinets into my kitchen, and love to push their 'droppings' out onto my kitchen counter. Truly a Joy.

This weekend we're being tented and fumigated to get rid of our interlopers. We get to spend the next couple of days packing up every bit of food we have so it doesn't get contaminted when our house is flooded with poisonous gases. Then we get to go into exile for the weekend and let strangers have free reign of our house. I'm not at all excited about the idea of people rummaging around my house (which they will to make sure there isn't any unpacked food or suicidal people hiding in closets, under sinks, in car trunks waiting to be gassed themselves). And although they say the gas doesn't cling to clothing, bedding, dishes, etc., I am not sure I trust their word all the way. Here's putting faith in the EPA and the State of California, that we will not all die after the house has been sufficiently aired out. And one of the advantages I was looking forward to in all of this -- the death of spiders -- turns out to not be happening. Apparently, spiders shut down their systems, so they don't breath the fumes, and just wait it out, little tricky-tricksters.

This post is NOT for the squeamish, it may seem inappropriately personal, but they are true thoughts and will be funny to moms.

I try desperately hard to not complain about the different inconveniences of pregnancy, as I'm lucky to be here in the first place. However, I am getting REALLY tired of going to the bathroom All.The.Time. (This is not an exaggeration folks). This baby is so low that I find myself in desperate need of relief just about every 45 minutes, which makes most of life very hard. And when I do go, it's frustrating because the need to go is so strong and the outcome of that urgency seems hardly worth the money I spent on the toilet paper. With both my previous pregnancies I tried to ignore it as much as possible, with bad results. I had UTI's both times, with E it landed me in the hospital with preterm labor. So now I'm too scared to just hold it. I wake up at least every two hours, which I'm sure is just a mean way to prepare my body for needing to wake up with a new baby after she's born. Then one day I was getting exicted thinking about the baby and how fun it will be to see her face and hold her, when suddenly the heavens parted and I saw the answer to my frustrations: The Catheter. I have c-sections and thus get to have a catheter for the first 24 hours after delivery, that means no need to get up out of bed to take care of the problem, and ahhh, I'm so excited. Gross, I know, but the it is the truth. I am so excited!
Sweet Relief.

E's Big 8

My biggest little boy turned the big eight! I can't believe that he is old enough to be this big.
We held his baptism on his birthday, and he was so excited I don't think he slept much the night before. He was also confirmed a member of the church and was given the gift of the Holy Ghost.


We also had his birthday party the same day which was a little much I think. Next time with M we'll have the party on a different day.
It was a lot of fun though, our home was filled with family and friends and it truly was a joyous day.
Seeing your baby get baptized is very emotional, I don't know how much of it has to do with hormones, but I got pretty choked up. I'm so proud of him to make such a grown up decision.
In the weeks leading up to the main event there were several moments when Lamaze breathing was needed; I was overwhelmed with wondering if he was truly ready, if he was as prepared as he could be to accept the responsibilities of being eight years old, if his father and I had done everything we could to teach him everything he needs to know, and it was very nerve wracking! But ultimately, I realized that Heavenly Father knows what He is doing when He says that eight is the age of accountability, and it's the small and simple things that lead to being prepared to enter the Kingdom, not the deep mind boggling mysteries of God, those don't need to be figured out now.
It was a day when my heart fully felt a shout of joy! Look at this face, I don't know that it gets much sweeter than that:

I Don't Understand

Why does the crossing guard push the crosswalk button 18 times consecutively so the 'bee-beep' repeats over and over again? (This is not an exageration, I counted today).

Why don't maternity pants have pockets? Just because I'm rotund doesn't mean I couldn't use a handy place to stow my keys now and then.

Why do some car tire rims look like they're going backward when the wheels are really going forward?

Why do some flies come into my house and just fly around in circles? Couldn't they just do the same pointless activity outside?

Why is it acceptable to leave a shopping cart directly behind someone else's car, so they have to move it before they can leave the parking lot?

Why does bacon taste so good?

Why do little boy dimples melt my resolve?

Why do we still observe daylight savings?

Why am I always the one cleaning around the toilet when I am not the culprit of the messes? I make my target 100% of the time.

Why are there multiple 'Real House Wives of...' shows on TV, isn't one set of trashy rich people enough?

Why are my children so enamored of the Power Rangers?

Quirky Me

Everyone has things that they are particular about that are a little bit quirky to others. Here are my quirks:

If I'm drinking soda from a can I will never finish the entire drink, however, if I pour the same amount of soda in a cup, I will probably drink the whole thing.

When making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I always spread the peanut butter first, then the jelly. The reasoning behind this: I will eat peanut butter in other situations and thus don't want my pb contaminated with the jelly, I rarely eat jelly in any other form than pb&j, so a little pb in the jar is not that big of a deal. Also, my ratio of pb to j is very high, I really love the stuff.

Everytime I drive through a small town (population less than 1,000) I think to myself 'Where do these people get their ice cream that they can bring it home before it melts?'

I can not stand blankets and pillows on the floor. Even if the floor is covered with other sundry items, the blanekts and pillows must be cleaned up first. Then the mess is much more manageable.

I prefer pencils over pens, I like the scratchy feeling that comes with a pencil as I write.

Three things I will not share with anyone, including my husband: cups, towels, and my sleeping pillow. They are the only things I'm territorial over.

Book of Mormon in 4 days

Our ward Relief Society had a marathon Book of Mormon read two weekends ago, reading the book from start to finish, without reading the chapter headings, and had a certain time frame to complete a certain number of chapters. We met on Thursday night and read for 2 1/2 hours, then on Friday had a homework assigment to read certain chapters that took about an hour, then met Saturday from 7am to 8pm, then on Sunday from 3pm to 9pm then had a homework assignment that again took about an hour, and finally met on Tuesday evening from 6:30 to 8. Some men in the ward came and dressed up like Nephi, Jacob, Enos, King Benjamin, Captain Moroni, Helaman, Mormon, and Moroni. When they weren't reading we went around in a circle and each sister read 4 verses. We would stop periodically for meal breaks, but even while eating we were listening to the CD reading.
At first I wasn't going to participate, I figured that A had to work and I wouldn't be able to do it, with nobody to watch my kids. But eventually I decided to just 'do it'. But still each day for a few hours before it was time to leave I would convince myself that I wasn't going, but that little niggling feeling would get me out the door. And I must say that I don't regret doing it at all. Granted, Saturday was a huge challenge, 13 hours straight of reading, is a very long time, and by the time I went home it was very hard to see straight, literally.
I didn't attend on Sunday because A had to work, and unfortunately missed out on Alma 52-about Mormon chapter 3 or 4, which, sadly is some of the best parts. It was very interesting to read it straight through that way, I really felt the story, the humanness of the people who participated in the book.
Although I wouldn't necessarily categorize it as 'fun', it was definitely worth it.
On Tuesday night our RS. 2nd counselor, who was in charge, asked us to spend a few minutes after we finished the last chapter quietly thinking, then we would have a prayer and then a shout of joy for having finally finished. But when the last words were read and the room was silent, a powerful Spirit filled the space around us and it was very special, a prayer was said, and even after that no one wanted to talk; the 'shout for joy' wasn't needed, peace was enough. When I went to the car to drive home, the radio was on, and I had to turn it off, I didn't want that feeling to leave so soon.
The Book of Mormon is a powerful book. I already knew it was true, but boosts like this make me stop and recognize the Spirit whispering to me of it's truthfulness. To acknowledge to Heavenly Father that, yes, I felt you telling me, and yes, the Book of Mormon is inspired of God, and yes, Jesus is the Christ, and yes, Joseph Smith is a prophet, and yes, the Savior will come again, and so many other 'yeses'
It was hard work, but what a blessing!

Bits

There is not much I like better than fresh garden tomatoes, sprinkled with a little salt = perfection (thanks to our new neighbors for sharing their bounty. We planted our tomatoes a little late, so right now we only have baby ones).

The weather has been so nice the last week, I am not excited about the heat wave coming next week, but we lived in AZ, I'll survive.

E got second place in his backstroke race on swim team a couple of weeks ago, this is the highest he's placed and we were very excited for him! While he's not a natural at swimming he does love it and has improved heaps since starting the swim team in April.

Have you tried Baskinn Robins Chocolate Toffee Crunch? Do so now... you won't regret your decision to take my advice.

Itching for a real vacation, A doesn't have any vacation slots this summer so we're hanging at home.

Just read a good book: Midwives by Chris Bohjalian, the title sounds like it would be l-a-m-e, but it was very good. Rated PG-13 though.

We bought a CA state parks pass this summer, which gets us day use of most state beaches and a lot of other parks that we are hoping to get to go see. Have to use it 6 more times before next July for it to pay for itself, but with above mentioned heat wave approaching I don't see that as an obstacle.

Trying to figure out a good way to teach M to stop spitting, possible solution: today gave a good drop of hot sauce on his tongue, hoping lesson sinks in. (He spits just randomly, everywhere, started it about a week ago, and has progressed to spitting at his brother when he's mad, unacceptable.)

E has stopped biting his fingernails, hooray! It was getting bad, he was gnawing them to bleeding. We instituted that if we caught him doing it he had to pay us $1. This boy loves his money, so losing it was an effective tool. He only ended up having to pay us $2 total, so I'm glad this was a quickly learned achievement.

The Car

I guess I grew up in the olden days, but when I was but a lass we didn't use seat belts or booster seats. We all just kind of ran amok. And if there was a reason to perform a sudden stop, you could feel safe knowing that mom or dad would swiftly fling their right arm across the chest of the person who was riding in front with them; the rest of us?: well we had to just hold an on hope for the best.
I don't remember when we started using seat belts, not until my teens and it still pains my dad that he has to use his. Most of the time he will tuck the chest harness under one of his arms so he doesn't have it going across his chest (he's a super safety minded kind of guy, he also believes that airbags are a ruse by the government to get us blown up when in an accident since that is what propels the airbag: explosives).
There are six kids in my family and two parents; the Suburban that I grew up riding in had two bench seats which held 3 people each and a big expanse at the back that two of the remaining kids plus the family dog (usually) got to roam around in. When going on vacation my dad would put all of our luggage flat in the 'way' back and then put the mattress from our sofa bed on top and that was the luxury that the we rode in.
We didn't have air conditioning, FM radio, automatic windows or a DVD player. If it was an especially long car ride, mom would bring along a 'boom box' and we would listen to such gems as the 'My Turn on Earth' or 'Saturday's Warrior' soundtracks or the jamming tunes of the Carpenters or Barry Manilow (all of us singing at the tops of our voices). If you hadn't used the facilities to relieve yourself before the journey began, you'd better hope that your bladder had a 5 hour capacity since there was no way dad was stopping for minutiae such as that.
For the family trip we took to Yellowstone National Park (in August) when I was 11 years old my parents did splurge and dad 'tinted' the windows to cut down on some of the heat. When we were sick of Karen or Barry we would turn off the boom box and sing such classics as 'The Lord said to Noah there's gonna be a floody-floody...' (if you don't know that one, I'd be happy to sing it to you, it's a gem). Good times were had on that trip, rumbling along in that great big beast. (BTW, dad would stop on that trip for potty breaks, he wasn't a masochist).
It was pure bliss. With my rose-colored glasses I remember no pinching, pulling, yelling, fighting, I told you so's, stop touching me's, or proving that someone else is wrong. Just music, laughter, and the partaking of the ambrosia of a good old family car ride.
But for some reason if we were driving between our home in Northern Nevada and my grandparents home in the California Bay Area (about a 5 hour drive and we made this drive at least once every two months for most of my childhood), you could guarantee that about on hour outside of our destination, the radio was turned off and silence was mandatory from the six children as dad had 'had enough!'
So why is it that GUARANTEED in the 5 minutes that my kids are strapped down on the way to swimming lessons have I reached my 'I've had enough!' limit by minute 1.333? There are only two of them in the back seat plus we have a radio, air conditioning (with their very own vents pointing directly at them), automatic windows and for very long trips a DVD player. For some reason my kids find it impossible to keep their hands and their pestering to themselves for any length of time in the car. Maybe we ought to go seatbeltless and see if that improves the mood in the car? I doubt I'd really do it, but sometimes I fantasize about the nirvana that a car ride might be if everyone got to do their own thing and we weren't all so strapped down. We'd be 'on top of the world'.
Darn the safety consciousness of it all!

Cats

I love, love, love cats. Right now we don't have one, but some day I plan to have a kitty again.
When I think of the phrase 'the cat's out of the bag' I imagine some poor kitty waiting, waiting to be let out and finally SPRINGING out of it's prison.
So I'm letting the cat out of the bag:

I'm pregnant! As of last Tuesday I'm 14 weeks along. I'm due December 13, but will have the baby early since I have c-sections. I've been postponing this post because I wanted to post a copy of our ultrasound pictures, since moving out though, we don't have a scanner to scan them into the computer.

I know it was a tricky-trick to play in my ending post about fertility. Please forgive me, I just wasn't ready at 2 weeks pregnant to let the world know. I have such a long time getting pregnant that when I finally do the stress of telling people right away and running the risk of a miscarriage is too much for me to handle. So I've always waited until the 3 month mark is over before telling anyone but immediate family.

We are super thrilled with this turn of events. The boys are really excited, although it is still a little cerebral for M. I think he understands about being a big brother but not fully. I'm not at all concerned about jealousy issues, he'll almost be 5 when the baby is born.

This is the sickest pregnancy I've had. And I am exceptionally sensitive to smells. In fact, the smell of my kitchen cabinets is sure to make me want to be sick. I am always really hungry which I don't remember from my 1st two pregnancies, and I am going to the bathroom A LOT (a tid-bit I hadn't forgotten about). The tiredness is lessening as I get further in, but I had a hard go of it for a few weeks.

Thank you all for your love and concern, I appreciate your support and friendship. It really does mean a lot to me, even if it sounds trite.




PS: It's a girl!

THINGS

I never really thought of myself as a materialistic sort of person. But unpacking all of my THINGS really made me question that. I love my THINGS not because I feel more important because of them or the status that they appear to hold (believe me there is not much in this house that others would necessarily covet) but because they are MY things. Having lived with someone else THINGS, having to take care of THINGS I don't have any sentimental attachment too, has really made me appreciate the THINGS that I do have. It was like unpacking a few lost friends. THINGS I had missed greatly and THINGS I'd forgotten how much I loved them. Each THING that came out of the boxes brought a little sigh of relief that my life was coming back to me, that the THINGS that I have are just the right amount and that these THINGS represent who I am and how I take care of my family and the importance I place in making this home a happy comfortable place for us to grow in. I'm so happy to be surrounded by THINGS that make my most important PEOPLE happy.

You Have No Idea

It's been almost 2 years since we moved from AZ to OC. We've been living with my parents-in-law that whole time, and while they are lovely people, use your imagination and you can probably guess how much fun it's been. Our intention never was to be here this long, but the move out date kept getting pushed back for various reasons.
About a year ago we started looking to buy a house but everytime it came up I just got a sick feeling and did not feel it was the right thing for our family at that time. Since we still own our house in AZ we decided to start looking for a place to rent after the school year got out. We were originally thinking that South OC was where we wanted to land. I have great friends here, plus we live only about 15 minutes from A's work, which is a huge benefit with gas prices being so high, and the school district we are in is an exceptional one, but rent in our zip code for a detached house (or even some townhomes), is pretty outrageous, I'd given up hope of finding something we could afford here.
A few weeks ago my friend Jodie told me there was a house around the corner from her that looked like the tenants were moving out and that I should check it out. I did, with very low hopes that it would be something we could afford. I talked to the landlord over the phone and he told me how much the rent was, I couldn't believe it! It was only slightly more than we were planning to spend! I thought we'd go see it the next week since A was working most of last week and I wasn't sure when we could go see it together. Then Jodie called and said that she'd looked at it and that it was great, there were other people there looking at it too and I had to go see it immediately (this was all before they'd officially started to advertise it, rentals go super quick here, mostly by word of mouth)! I went by myself and was totally in love. It was exactly what we were looking for. I told A about that night and he said that he wanted to go see it on Friday, so we did and he loved it too. We put in an application and they accepted us!

Hooray! We are finally moving out! The house should be ready by the end of next week, they are replacing the carpet, painting, and fixing up a few things. You have no idea how happy I am about this. There are only a small number of things I have been this excited about in a really long time. It was one of those things that just fell into our laps and worked so well that we knew it was the right decision. We have been hugely blessed, more than I can express.

I feel like squealing with glee!

Cycle V -- The End

I've been laying awake for several nights composing two different posts, and this is the one that is being written.

I need to focus on other aspects of my life in blogging right now. The emotional stakes right now are too high to continue in posting about fertility.

I thought I could stick it out and told myself that I should, but I just can't.

I've learned a lot about positive thinking and about focusing on remembering that Heavenly Father is God and is more concerned about my family life than I often recognize. He places in our paths people and things and events that will contribute to our progression and is constantly mindful of our needs and wants (even when they aren't always the same).

I'm grateful today for the mercy He has shown me.

Magic

I have always been hugely jealous of people who can write well. I am in awe of the way that they can make me feel something, to think about things in a new way, and inspire me to be a better person.
I love being able to read, I find it to be one of the great pleausres of my life and I am truly blessed to have been taught that love through my mother. I can remember when my dad was working nights that the three of us little kids would all pile on to her bed at night she would read to us.
Reading is a true joy.

For Christmas E was given the Lego Harry Potter Wii game. He loves, loves, loves playing Wii. The game had him asking questions about the Harry Potter story, and he wanted to watch the movie. I told him that books were better, that he couldn't watch the movie until he'd read the book.
He has always been very talented in reading but now he's been hit by Harry Potter's magic.
We started at about the beginning of February and are now on book 4: The Goblet of Fire. We read at least 1 chapter a day. He insists it's because he wants to get to the movie faster, but I think he's covering up his real motives. He is constantly asking questions, wanting to know why that happened, if this will ever happen, do we find out about this or that? He daydreams about it. He desperately wants to go the Universal Studios Harry Potter theme park in Florida. He doesn't even really love the movies because of the discrepancies with the books. He even would rather read the book than play the Wii game, and that, my friend, is a triumph!



This picture was taken when E was about 11 months old, and this was his favorite book at the time.

Reading is magical!

Cycle V -- Day 18

I had an ultrasound to check if my follicles were still there, and all three were gone, meaning that I'd ovulated. We did the IUI, I took it easy yesterday hoping that might be helpful. Since I'd already ovulated I don't need to do another IUI. Now we just wait and see

Hallelujah!

A big fat hug and thank you needs to go out to Lindsay!
She invited me to join her gourmet group, one of the thousands of things I've missed about Arizona.
Since the first time she mentioned that she belonged to a Gourmet Group I've just been waiting for someone to 'kick the bucket' and leave the group so there might be an opening for me, lucky for me it just so happened that it was Lindsay's sister-in-law who left, providing me an 'in' and someone who I couldn't be more excited to host with. Our month is June, already the wheels are turning, planning, thinking, drooling.
I had my first fabulous gourmet dinner in California last Tuesday night, and it reminded me just how so, so, so, much fun these events can be.
Hooray!

(This is a bit late, sorry, it doesn't mean I'm not totally excited about it).

Cycle V -- Day 17

Went in for my ultrasound today, three follicles are ready. Had my hCG shot. We have an appointment for IUI tomorrow and will have another one on Wednesday.

Think implantation, people...

It's worked twice before, it can happen again.

Cycle V -- Day 3

I went in for my baseline ultrasound today. Dr. M. and I talked and decided that we'll do IUI this month, and if I don't get pregnant this cycle that I'll need to start doing hMG shots next cycle. But in the meantime I start my Femara again tonight and go back for an ultrasound on day twelve.

Lessons learned:
1. Glazed doughnuts really do make the world a little bit brighter.
2. Don't blog about starting a new cycle on the first day.

Looking back my post seems a little dramatic, and while it is a true view of my heart on Saturday a few days have made a big difference. I'm still deeply disappointed and am not sure if I can talk about it in person without crying, but we'll see, I suppose.
It's hard because we all have a game plan for what we want the plays to be for our lives. But then a linebacker pops up. While not everyone deals with infertility there is always something; whether it be divorce, death of a loved one, an unexpected career change, any personal disaster and suddenly the playbook is altered and we find ourselves scrambling to figure out which way to run next; and then we think we see the touchdown on the horizon and the quarterback gets sacked. But I'm not at the 4th and 10, more like the 1st and 3-ish, and it's not quite the fourth quarter, more like half-time.

Cycle V -- Day 1

I started my new cycle today. My brain says that I'm fine, that I can wait another month. But my heart isn't in agreement. I feel like a hot shower, a raised doughnut, and bed.

I'll talk about this in a few days, but not today.

Cycle IV -- Day 25

Progesterone was at 18, anything over 10 is a sign of ovulation. I go in next Monday for a blood pregnancy test.
Here's hoping I don't start a new cycle...

Cycle IV -- Days 12, 14, 16 & 17

I went last week on day 12 to check my follicles and there was no growth. I was extremely bummed, but they scheduled me to come back 2 days later to see if there was any change. I went in on day 14 and there were two that were getting close and 1 that didn't look like it would make it, but none of them were ready to be stimulated for ovulation so they scheduled me for day 16, I went back on day 16 and the one of the two bigger ones was ready, Dr. M. was not in the office and the LPN wanted me to wait one more day to see if the smaller of the two larger ones would grow as that would give me two mature eggs. I went back on day 17 and both of the larger ones were ready and the smaller 3rd was almost ready, so Dr. M. had me do the hCG injection since she didn't think the biggest one would last another day. A and I decided to not do IUI this cycle, just try things on our own. IUI is so stressful that I think I needed a break from it. So here I sit on day 20 waiting to see what happens. It would be awesome to get pregnant without the IUI procedure, but if it doesn't work out that way, we'll be back in next cycle. I go in next Monday which will be day 25 to have a progesterone blood test to be sure that I ovulated.

My last period lasted a very long time, usually I am 7 days even, but for some reason I went for almost 11. It was pretty disconcerting, but Dr. M. said it was nothing to worry about.

Both this time and last time after the hCG injection I had pretty severe cramping during the following 48 hours. I can only guess that it had to do with ovulation, but will have to ask Dr. M. My breasts have been pretty tender both this cycle and last cycle as well. Last cycle they stopped being so sensitive 3 or 4 days before I started my period.

I had A give me a priesthood blessing on Sunday night and I won't go in to details as I feel that blessing are very personal. Blessings are a tricky thing, sometimes you hear what you want, sometimes you don't, sometimes you hear something totally unexpected. All of the above happened for me this time. I am grateful for a wonderful husband who honors his priesthood and is worthy to act in the name of our Savior. It was a good experience and I feel peaceful about whatever the outcome of our fertility treatments may be. Putting my testimony out in such a public setting as this and expressing my confidence in what I feel lays in store for me is incredibly scary. I hope that I am able to not take the pressure too personally.

I don't tweet, but if I did, I would have for sure today

I have a new BFF, her name is Rose, despite the language barrier this lady had me at hello, she is a massage therapist at Tracy Nails on the corner of B&T. Is it possible to love someone's hands as much as I loved this lady's? I'm being disloyal, I have a sister and two friends who are amazing MTs, but this lady is special. Oh the magic of that hour! A gave me a gift certificate for Christmas: $60 for a 1 hour pedicure and a 1 hour massage. If he had spent $560 I would not have felt cheated, that's how much I enjoyed Rose and her services. If I wasn't so selfish I'd tell her that she should be working for celebrities, but I think I'll keep her right here in the OC, thank you very much.

For $12.99 I got a pair of pj bottoms at Target and they are the most comfortable item of clothing I currently own, I just might go get 12 or 40 more pairs. They're the best under $13 investment I've made in several years.

I had my eyebrows threaded for the first time yesterday. It was an interesting experience, the brow part was less painful than waxing, but the lid part was way more painful than waxing, like a cross between waxing and plucking. The jury is still out as to whether I'll do it again, but I guess for $7, the deal can't be beat. Hollywood Eyebrows in the WM mall, upstairs outside of Target.

For Valentine's Day A and I went out to dinner at a Shabu Shabu restaraunt. This was my first experience with Shabu Shabu - similar to the Melting Pot, but without cheese. They bring you a pot of broth, and you cook your meat and veggies at the table. You could either eat it in a soup, or on a plate. They had two amazing sauces, one was a sesame sort of sauce and the other was a ponzu sauce (which I LOVED), and they had a paste that wasn't wasabi, but better, I have no idea what it was, but when mixed with soy sauce it was perfection. We were adventurous and it paid off. We then went to see Harry Potter 7 part I at the $3 theater and loved it, are a bit ashamed that we didn't see it earlier, but are glad that we finally did, it was excellent.

Went to a bodyworks class on Friday to an instructor that I hadn't been to before and she really kicked my hiney. My arms ached for days, will definitely go back. If you don't feel the burn then the workout was a failure, in my opinion.

Starting -- Cycle III -- Day 29 & Cycle IV Day 1

The last 2 weeks have been very long weeks. Every twinge, cramp, ache, swollenness, pimple, emotional roller coaster and tiredness was put under cross-examination to determine if it were a symptom of pregnancy. Alas, none of them were.
A week after the IUI I went in for blood work to test my progesterone level to be sure that I ovulated. Anything over a 10 was good, I was at 35. I frankly wasn't surprised after all the cramping that I had after the shot, if I hadn't ovulated I would have been shocked.
I had to wait two weeks after the IUI before I had my blood pregnancy test. I spent the last 7 days searching my heart to see if it felt like I was pregnant, and I could never rest on thinking that I was. I told my body all week, 'Okay, if you're not pregnant, start a new cycle by Friday.' Friday morning I woke up clean, and my hope was rekindled. I went in for my blood work and asked the nurse if it was normal to not have any symptoms and she said it was. But by after lunch my new cycle had started. Dr. M. called later in the afternoon to confirm that that blood work was negative.
It wouldn't be honest of me to say that I am disappointed that I'm not pregnant, but I'm not devastated. I was extremely hopeful that it had worked.
I was not wild about being due on October 14 (which would have been the anniversary of my mom's death and very close to E's birthday), and I've taken a couple of months off from the gym and was hoping to get back in to my routine before getting pregnant, so there are some upsides to it not happening yet.
I have been proverbially counting my chickens though. I've been talking about things for after 'the baby' is born and buying the things that I know we'll need. My confidence in getting pregnant is not shaken, it's just not this month; it will be another month.
Every prayer that M says he asks to be blessed with a sister, a baby and a cat (always in that order) and he frequently tells people that mom doesn't have a baby in her belly, but will soon! Both boys are excited and hopeful and that gives me even more confidence because I know that children's prayers are sincere.

So the next step is start taking the Femara again on days 3-7 and go in for a baseline ultrasound on days 5 or 6.

Don't cry for me, I'm not yet.

Starting -- Cycle III -- Days 12 & 14

I went in on Tuesday for my day 12 ultrasound, Dr. M. wasn't there so Dr. Anderson examined me. There was a follicle on each side but neither was ready so he had me make an appointment for today.
Day 14 proved much better. I went in for my ultrasound, there are now 3 viable follicles. I had my hCG shot and we will go in tomorrow for IUI, very early since A gets off of work at 6:30am. We might do an additional IUI on Saturday if the follicles are still there tomorrow. But tomorrow is the critical day.

Send fertile thoughts my way this weekend!

I have still been relatively stress free about this, but I am also starting to wonder how long we can afford to continue with the treatments. I hate to give Heavenly Father a deadline, but we don't have unlimited funds. I'm sure He knows all of that and I hope that my timeline is the same has His.

Different

Growing up our family had a cat, her name was Taffy and she was the sweetest cat in the the world, truly and honestly. She was also a might huntress. She would always bring prey home, one time a small rabbit, another time a duck and managed to carry them up on top of the roof and drop them next to my parents bedroom window. When I was about 16 she had to wear The Cone. She got a bad cut on one of her shoulders and had to have it stitched up and then was sentenced to the cone so she wouldn't bite the stitches. She was so funny, at first when she would wake up the cone would scare her and she would try to back out of it; or if I put her down on my bed and the cone was facing down and she couldn't see what was on either side she would just sit there with her face stuck to the bed. It was pretty darn funny at the time.
In other non-fertility related news: I got glasses. I have been fighting it for years and have ignored my need to squint at things more than 70 feet away, but I gave in. I went in for my eye appointment and found out I have Astigmatism and need prescription glasses especially for driving. I was very glad to know that I don't have to wear them all the time. And now that I have them I can feel for poor Taffy. My peripheral vision with them on is blocked and it sucks not being able to see to the sides because of a blockage.
I don't love them.

Starting -- Cycle III -- Days 1 & 2

Yesterday I started cycle 3 of this journey. I was due to go in for a blood pregnancy test and since my cycle started in the morning I called and cancelled my appointment. The nurse called back and said that they still wanted me to come in since there are some women who bleed in the first trimester, and since I'd had post-implantation bleeding with both pregnancies I thought there was a possibility that was what it had been. I went in for the test and a baseline ultrasound.
Bloodwork came back after lunch time. Negative. I was not overly surprised. I'd figured all week that I wasn't pregnant and have been very calm about it. After the hCG injections to stimulate ovulation on Christmas Eve there was only about 36 hours that A and I were together, so I was not confident in the effectiveness of our endeavors.
While it would have been a wonderful surprise to be pregnant, I am not stressed about it. I had a very tiny amount of hope that it had worked, but in my heart I knew I was not. My hope is not gone for the furture, I just knew it wasn't that month, soon, but not for cycle II.

I start taking two 2.5mg of Femara tomorrow and am continuing on the Metformin, which isn't giving me as many stomach problems. I go in for another ultrasound on day 12 or 13, depending on when I can schedule the appointment for.

Still feeling good!