Thoughts on a Tuesday Afternoon

I came down from a nap yesterday and this is what I found on the counter:



What a sweet boy I have!

I go to the gym and there is a lady who gravity has not been kind too, she really needs to start showering with the shower curtain closed.

I'm excited to go to Phoenix this weekend, but also nervous about seeing my house. My homesickness has been high lately, and I think I'm going to be sad to see my house, which I love, with someone else living in it.

I need new shoes, perhaps on the way back from Phoenix we'll stop at the outlet stores in Cabazon and get me some.

We met our financial goal for the month of January, that makes me very happy.

I need to start cutting out heart shapes for Ethan's school Valentines, but I can think of a few other things that I would rather do.

Poor Mason, I took him to get new shoes, he'd been wearing a size 7, when they measured his feet they said he needs an 8 1/2! He never complained when I put his shoes on him, I didn't know they were that bad off.

Sprouts finally opened in my neighborhood! I am so excited to have this store close by. Opening day was a madhouse, but people were courteous and friendly, which made the craziness tolerable.

Before and After

Before I was a mom:

I cursed those who used the carpool lane with just themselves and one in a car seat as their '2 persons per vehicle'.

I swore my children would never eat a happy meal.

People who didn't put pants on their children and just let them run around in a diaper were 'white trash'.

I would never let my kids watch TV.

I thought hot dogs were an unacceptable lunch option.

After I was a mom:

Did you know that you can drive all the way to Disneyland in the carpool lane from my house?

Mason really wants to go to 'Mickey-donalds'.

When you live in Phoenix, sometimes pants are just too dang hot.

I enjoy using the restroom without someone standing there watching me, the TV is great at keeping little peepers out of the bathroom.

Ethan loves Hebrew National Hot Dogs.


Anyone else lower their standards since becoming a mom?

2009 Wrap-Up

On this last day of 2009 I just thought I'd post some of the wind-up items that need to be addressed:

While I don't have any real profound insights into the gradual healing that is happening in my heart right now, I can tell you that it is happening. And not by any power of my own. My heart, while not totally where I would like to be, it feels (quite literally) softer, there is not as much chaos in my emotions. The burden is definitely being shared at this point, and I am very grateful to my Savior for taking the reigns on this one. It isn't happening overnight but as soon as I placed it on His shoulders the struggle became less profound. I have a long way to go yet, but the hill isn't as steep, and I'm coming to the crest of the summit much quicker than I anticipated.

Something big is waiting to happen in my life, I don't know what it is, but Satan has been doing his all to prevent me from getting there. I've got to win this one.

I was PROFOUNDLY moved while reading Mormon 8 verses 1-13 my loneliness is minuscule compared to the grief that Moroni endured, and he bore it bravely and with complete confidence in the Lord, his faith was not shaken, and his love for the Lord was made sure. I have my amazing husband, Ethan and Mason, my friends and my family, I am not nearly as alone as he was. The end to my trial is in sight, where he had to persevere through his for the rest of his life on earth, which made his blessings that much sweeter when he received them, as mine will be likewise.

I appreciate all of your kind thoughts and suggestions, there are so many great examples of righteous mothers out there, I am humbled by your confidence in my abilities and am eternally grateful for your prayers, they have assuredly been felt.


Onward:

Adam's 2009-

Adam is a faithful priesthood holder who has put his pride on the back burner more often that he would have liked to this year. He listened to the Spirit telling him how best to provide for his family, took a huge leap of faith and totally overhauled his career path, doing what we all knew he was born to do and doing it well. He graduated #1 in the class above 17 other people, receiving 4 of the 7 awards for top marks in different categories in his class and received huge compliments and praises from his instructors and was asked to come back to teach for the classes that will come behind him. I am very grateful to the Lord for sending me a husband who is exactly right for me, is always helpful and supportive, even tempered and strong, funny and wise, faithful and honest, brave and trusting, confident and gentle -- Amazing. He is a Sunbeam teacher in our ward.

Ethan's 2009-

Ethan's 6th year on this earth was full of change. He now lives with 5 adults who all love him completely. He lives in California and can spend 300 days of the year outside in perfect weather. He started Kindergarten, is in the top reading group of his class, got his first report card and did perfectly in all but 2 categories that he will work on. He lost his first 2 teeth, learned how to ride a bike, is old enough to be out of the booster seat in the car, is a champion Wii player, awesome reader, funny story teller, can make friends anywhere he goes, loves to write books (I wonder where he got that from?), loves to play with his brother, loves to be right, loves to help with chores, loves to go camping, hunting, hiking, and to Disneyland (he is tall enough for all but 1 of the rides, he's even brave enough for the Haunted Mansion, but not quite brave enough for Indiana Jones), he has become concerned with looking 'cool' by making sure his hair is always styled (as styled as his stick-straight blonder than blond hair can be). He weighs: 53 lbs and is 48" tall, his favorite person is Jacob. Best quote of the year: There are too many to choose from, but off the top of my head, see the post about Past Tense. He wants to be a bounty hunter when he grows up.

Mason's 2009-

Mason's 2nd full year on this earth was also full of change, he too lives with 5 adults who love him completely. He lives in California and can spend 300 days of the year outside in perfect weather. He loves his class at church, loves to play at the day-care at the gym, loves Sis, the dog (will play outside by himself for hours if she's there with him), can talk up a storm (you are very talented if you understand the entire storm), loves to ride bikes with his dad and brother, can hit a baseball most of the time, became very brave at swimming lessons, is tiny but tough and fast, loves to cook and clean, hates to eat (cuts out of playtime), loves to wrestle, is running when he's going, loves Disneyland, but not the rides, is as big as his brother (if you ask him). He weighs 29 lbs and is 36" tall, his best friend is Brooklyn. Best quote of the year: while helping me make cookies and looking up at me from the stool: Mom! Your nose!
Me: What's wrong with my nose?
Mason: There are spiders in there!
He wants to shoot monsters when he grows up.

I made goals for my body and met them by the end of the year, and now have set new ones to work for by the end of March. The financial goals that we set fell just short of completion, but will be met by the end of January. We have set new ones for 2010 and will hunker down to achieve them. I have also set personal goals for my spiritual growth and they are coming along.

It has been a year of change and of blessings, for that we are grateful.

We look foward to what is to come.

Christmas 2009

I don't have the pictures to post right now, those will come later. Our Christmas was a good one this year. The boys and I went up to visit with my family in the Bay Area for a few days before Christmas. The boys had a super-great time playing with their cousins Dallin and Bailey. And I had a very good visit with my sister, brother, sister-in-law, dad, cousin and her husband. It was a fast trip, but worth the time it took to get there. I think Mason made my dad's day, my dad got there after they'd gone to bed on Wednesday night and when Mason got up in the morning and saw him, he yelled 'Papa!' and jumped into his arms. He loves his grandpa (he's got good taste, he's a pretty great guy, if I do say so). We went bowling as is the Reed family tradition, but since we were driving home on Christmas Eve (which is when the festivities usually begin) we went on Wednesday. I can't say it was terribly fun, there were a lot of people there 4 kids, and 4 adults in our party, it was a bit chaotic. I got to have food from Bancheros Restaurant, an Italian restaurant that is legendary in our family, it brought back good feelings from my childhood.
We drove home on Christmas Eve, just in time for Santa to find us and drop off his goods.
Ethan's Christmas was mostly Star Wars and Legos and Star Wars Legos, so he was in hog heaven.
Mason's Christmas was mostly Batman and vehicles, he got a super-sweet as big as his torso helicopter and as soon as he saw that, Christmas was over, he took it for a spin in the playroom and wasn't seen for several minutes afterwards. He loves it.
My Christmas was clothes (I always love new clothes) and a few kitchen items that I have been eyeballing for a while, I can't wait to use them to make something delicious.
Adam's Christmas was mostly stuff for work, and a few things for hunting/camping (work accessories are pretty costly).
Adam had to work Christmas Eve and Christmas night, which was a little bit of a bummer, but he got home in time for present unwrapping and breakfast then had Christmas dinner with us before he had to head out again.
It was a good day, worth all the time and money put in to it, to see how much my boys loved their loot.
Hopefully each of you had a very Merry Christmas as well.

Baby Steps

I made a list today of the goals that I had to help my day go more smoothly. And I'm happy to report that I met almost all of them.

Hopefully by keeping track of the good days the bad days won't seem so overwhelming. Focusing on the baby steps will lead to an overall improvement.

The loneliness that was so encompassing a few weeks ago is starting to clear out, and I'm able to see a more positive horizon. While I'm still working on getting meaning out of scripture study, at least I've been able to follow through on my commitment to actually read a little every day. Yesterday I was reading in Alma 60 and the phrase "...be up and doing..." in verse 24 really stuck out to me. I may be starting over with baby steps, but at least if I plug along and am up and doing things will work for the better.

I love my children, but do all kids bicker endlessly? Don't they realize that by antagonizing each other they are ultimately antagonizing me, and that makes for a mean-mom? How do I take that 3 second pause to think through the frustration before I react? I used to know how, but somehow I've lost that one. I did better today, I made sure to praise good behavior, but I still need to figure out a strategy for implementing a 3 second think before react rule. When they play together it's a great thing, they play together swimmingly, but when they bicker it is soooooo frustrating. Ethan loves to do things that will make Mason screech and Mason will screech just to get Ethan to stop doing things. They were made for each other, they are not brothers by accident, they're good for each other, but they are also maddening.
In Alma 50 verses 21 & 22 we see that it was the quarrelings and contentions of the people of Nephi which ultimately brought their own destructions. The success of this family depends on if we can stick together, if we can be happy together, I am responsible for my own thoughts of contention towards my children, and it is up to me that I change that so that we can all be exalted together.
I am not by nature a mean person. I am a caring person, I am a thoughtful person, I am a trusting person, how do I return to my nature?

I'm working on humility. I recognize that my heart is harder than it should be, I can't make it over on my own, this is beyond my capabilities. I've been knocked down a few pegs and I need help to reach my goal.

Baby Steps.

Past Tense

We went to the Nature Center today with the boys, saw lots of animals, and walked the little trail with the boys. Ethan even held a snake all by himself, Mason (and mom) wanted nothing-whatever to do with that business.
Tonight when Ethan was telling his grandparents what the animals were doing he said:
And the squirrel just douched all over the place!
Adam: What's douching?
Ethan: You know the past tense of dash.

Gotta love it!

Not Sure -- not a light post, be warned

Well, I'm not sure what the outcome of this post will be. I've been putting it off, and mentally composing it for several weeks, so I'm not totally sure the direction I'm going to head in, let the words works their magic, I suppose.
Mostly I need to know if I'm alone in my feelings here?
I am a mother.
I feel like the worlds worst mother sometimes (a lot of sometimes). And I'm not exagerating, or fishing for compliments, or reassurances, I just need to know if I am the only one who feels this way. I love my children 100%, but like them about 70% of the time. I feel like most of my day is eaten up in correction and not in gentle, loving guidance.
There was a time when I wasn't sure if I would have any children, and miraculously, I was blessed with Ethan who has such an enormous spirit that I'm surprised it fits in his body. He is a GREAT kid! He is funny, kind, obedient, smart, respectful, honest, caring, hard working, senstive, but no one can make me as livid as Ethan can.
Then there was a time when I wasn't sure if I would have two children, and miraculously I was blessed with Mason who is one of the most determined people I know. He was definitely prepared in heaven for the challenges of these last days. He is smart, funny, energetic, determined, happy, loving, goofy, but no one can frustrate me like Mason does.
I begged Heavenly Father to send me these people, and I promised Him that I would do everything I could to return them to Him. I'm afraid I'm falling short.
I don't know how on earth I deserve to be the mortal custodians of these amazing leaders of Zion. I'm not kind enough, I'm not gentle enough, I'm not nurturing enough, I'm not loving enough, in short, I'm not good enough.
I feel these two huge spirits and am afraid instead of lifting them up and helping them to direct those spirits into greatness that I'm crushing them, ruining the basic purity of who they are.
Why don't I laugh enough with them? I want them to remember a happy childhood, not a grumpy mom.
How do I take a step back and just appreciate them for who they are, and not let the frustration of the moment overwhelm the joy?
I was once promised that I would have joy in my children. So far 'joy' is not the word I would pick for my feelings. The more appropriate sensation is just-making-it-to-the-end-of-the-day-without-sending-someone-to-their-room-or-to-the-corner.
We were thinking of trying to have another baby in the next few months but every time I considered the idea of getting pregnant, I just dreaded the idea. It's not that I don't want more children, it's that I don't want more children, I know that is contradictory, but I just don't know how I would handle another one when I don't appreciate that ones I've got. We've put the fertility treatments on the back burner until I can figure out how to be confident in my abilities to raise these boys and feel like I deserve having someone else in our family.
When I was a teenager I had two friends that everytime I felt like they needed me too much I would stop being their friend and move on to another friend to cling to. Miraculously they forgave me and we have great relationships now, and the hard feelings are resolved. It kills me today to think of how awful I treated them. But I'm afraid I'm doing that to my kids. They need me too much, so I'm pushing them away and trying to find the...something, I don't know what.

The other non-light thought that needs to be resolved is my feeling of being spiritually alone. I've done it to myself. I'm being lazy in my testimony building. But it's a funk I don't know how to shake, I do know how, but I haven't processed the kick that I need to get back into the swing of things. Maybe I need to prove that I want it enough to work at it. It's the little things that are the hardest right now. Getting on my knees everyday, reading my scriptures everyday, feeling grateful. And honestly, having confidence that Heavenly Father loves me.

Rationally I know these thoughts are useless and I know the logic behind the fact that He loves me. But I think of those things and I hear those things from other people and they trail in to: blah, blah, blah.

It's a hard feeling to describe, it's not that I feel that I'm not loved, it's that I feel like I've given up on myself. I'm not good enough to make it to the Celestial Kingdom, so why am I wasting my time? If I died today I wouldn't be exaulted, but my wheels are spinning because I'm not doing the kind of things I need to do to change that.

I have a testimony, I know the church is true, I know the Savior loves me, but I don't FEEL it. I feel alone.

And those are the thoughts that have been stewing for quite a while, maybe just having them out there will help resolve them. Hopefully anyway.

Gummy

Ethan lost his first two teeth! They were the first two that came in when he was a baby too. The first one popped out last night when he was eating pizza at his school's Fall Family Fun Night. He got $1 from the toothfairy. The other one fell out today when he was eating an apple.

Pretty exciting times around here!

Procrastination

I'm not sure why I've been putting off an update. Everyday I think to myself that I'd better get back on the blog-wagon and post the goings on in our family. Yet everyday I miss the wagon by being busy-busy-busy, then having to go to bed.
Adam is due to graduate from the school that he is going to one week from today, so I am super excited about that. He starts his new job right after that, and is very ready to get going. I'm very proud of him, his evaluations have been nothing but positive and even the training staff say he's an ideal choice for this position, which is great because they don't hand out compliments very freely.
I'm staying busy with the boys. I'm Ethan's Kindergarten classroom mom. I've been going to the gym at least three days a week, trying to reach a certain goal by Christmas.
Ethan is doing fantastic in Kindergarten, his best friend is Andrew, they have a great time together. He's managed to stay on 'green' (good behavior) every day except for one when he got on 'yellow' for meowing when he'd been asked not to. He's got his first loose teeth. One of them is ready any second now and the other is still working on it. He is an excellent reader and writer. He turned six last month (I failed to post anything about that, not my best performance). He loves to ride his two wheel bike, build legos, play Wii, and anything that has to do with Star Wars. He is funny, kind, smart, handsome, friendly, obedient, loving, eager to learn, good to be around.
Mason is as busy as ever. He loves playing with grandma and grandpa's dog Sis. He loves going to the gym to play with kids. He talks up a storm (those of you who know Ethan probably aren't terribly surprised since my kids have the chatter gene). I can understand 89% of what he says. He's desperately trying to give up mid-day naps, and I am desperately trying to see that he doesn't win this particular battle. He is a rascal, he is funny, he is energetic, he is loving, he is enthusiastic, he is determined, he is adorable.
As for our living situation, it is surprisingly fine. I was hugely worried about it, and while it's not perfect, it is working out very well. We have a financial goal and living here is helping us reach that goal much more quickly than if we were on our own. It has also been very beneficial while Adam has been so busy with school to have extra support and hands assisting me with my kids.
I don't love our new ward yet, but I'm working on it. I am currently serving as a Sunday School teacher for the 14&15 years olds and Adam is a Sunbeam teacher. We frequent Disneyland, since my in-laws were so generous and bought us season passes. We have been there about 10 times since we moved here.
I miss Arizona. Every time I see the desert landscape on TV I feel homesick. I do miss the desert, it really grew on me, and I even found it quite lovely. The heat, well, I could do without it, (you can't beat Orange County weather) but I miss Arizona. I miss my house, I miss my friends, I miss Gourmet Group, I miss being close to family, I miss my ward, I miss my neighbors, I miss the Mormon-ness, I miss the familiarity. I was happy there. I am now a member of the clube of the millions of people who love living in Arizona.
California will be good too.