Past Tense

We went to the Nature Center today with the boys, saw lots of animals, and walked the little trail with the boys. Ethan even held a snake all by himself, Mason (and mom) wanted nothing-whatever to do with that business.
Tonight when Ethan was telling his grandparents what the animals were doing he said:
And the squirrel just douched all over the place!
Adam: What's douching?
Ethan: You know the past tense of dash.

Gotta love it!

Not Sure -- not a light post, be warned

Well, I'm not sure what the outcome of this post will be. I've been putting it off, and mentally composing it for several weeks, so I'm not totally sure the direction I'm going to head in, let the words works their magic, I suppose.
Mostly I need to know if I'm alone in my feelings here?
I am a mother.
I feel like the worlds worst mother sometimes (a lot of sometimes). And I'm not exagerating, or fishing for compliments, or reassurances, I just need to know if I am the only one who feels this way. I love my children 100%, but like them about 70% of the time. I feel like most of my day is eaten up in correction and not in gentle, loving guidance.
There was a time when I wasn't sure if I would have any children, and miraculously, I was blessed with Ethan who has such an enormous spirit that I'm surprised it fits in his body. He is a GREAT kid! He is funny, kind, obedient, smart, respectful, honest, caring, hard working, senstive, but no one can make me as livid as Ethan can.
Then there was a time when I wasn't sure if I would have two children, and miraculously I was blessed with Mason who is one of the most determined people I know. He was definitely prepared in heaven for the challenges of these last days. He is smart, funny, energetic, determined, happy, loving, goofy, but no one can frustrate me like Mason does.
I begged Heavenly Father to send me these people, and I promised Him that I would do everything I could to return them to Him. I'm afraid I'm falling short.
I don't know how on earth I deserve to be the mortal custodians of these amazing leaders of Zion. I'm not kind enough, I'm not gentle enough, I'm not nurturing enough, I'm not loving enough, in short, I'm not good enough.
I feel these two huge spirits and am afraid instead of lifting them up and helping them to direct those spirits into greatness that I'm crushing them, ruining the basic purity of who they are.
Why don't I laugh enough with them? I want them to remember a happy childhood, not a grumpy mom.
How do I take a step back and just appreciate them for who they are, and not let the frustration of the moment overwhelm the joy?
I was once promised that I would have joy in my children. So far 'joy' is not the word I would pick for my feelings. The more appropriate sensation is just-making-it-to-the-end-of-the-day-without-sending-someone-to-their-room-or-to-the-corner.
We were thinking of trying to have another baby in the next few months but every time I considered the idea of getting pregnant, I just dreaded the idea. It's not that I don't want more children, it's that I don't want more children, I know that is contradictory, but I just don't know how I would handle another one when I don't appreciate that ones I've got. We've put the fertility treatments on the back burner until I can figure out how to be confident in my abilities to raise these boys and feel like I deserve having someone else in our family.
When I was a teenager I had two friends that everytime I felt like they needed me too much I would stop being their friend and move on to another friend to cling to. Miraculously they forgave me and we have great relationships now, and the hard feelings are resolved. It kills me today to think of how awful I treated them. But I'm afraid I'm doing that to my kids. They need me too much, so I'm pushing them away and trying to find the...something, I don't know what.

The other non-light thought that needs to be resolved is my feeling of being spiritually alone. I've done it to myself. I'm being lazy in my testimony building. But it's a funk I don't know how to shake, I do know how, but I haven't processed the kick that I need to get back into the swing of things. Maybe I need to prove that I want it enough to work at it. It's the little things that are the hardest right now. Getting on my knees everyday, reading my scriptures everyday, feeling grateful. And honestly, having confidence that Heavenly Father loves me.

Rationally I know these thoughts are useless and I know the logic behind the fact that He loves me. But I think of those things and I hear those things from other people and they trail in to: blah, blah, blah.

It's a hard feeling to describe, it's not that I feel that I'm not loved, it's that I feel like I've given up on myself. I'm not good enough to make it to the Celestial Kingdom, so why am I wasting my time? If I died today I wouldn't be exaulted, but my wheels are spinning because I'm not doing the kind of things I need to do to change that.

I have a testimony, I know the church is true, I know the Savior loves me, but I don't FEEL it. I feel alone.

And those are the thoughts that have been stewing for quite a while, maybe just having them out there will help resolve them. Hopefully anyway.

Gummy

Ethan lost his first two teeth! They were the first two that came in when he was a baby too. The first one popped out last night when he was eating pizza at his school's Fall Family Fun Night. He got $1 from the toothfairy. The other one fell out today when he was eating an apple.

Pretty exciting times around here!

Procrastination

I'm not sure why I've been putting off an update. Everyday I think to myself that I'd better get back on the blog-wagon and post the goings on in our family. Yet everyday I miss the wagon by being busy-busy-busy, then having to go to bed.
Adam is due to graduate from the school that he is going to one week from today, so I am super excited about that. He starts his new job right after that, and is very ready to get going. I'm very proud of him, his evaluations have been nothing but positive and even the training staff say he's an ideal choice for this position, which is great because they don't hand out compliments very freely.
I'm staying busy with the boys. I'm Ethan's Kindergarten classroom mom. I've been going to the gym at least three days a week, trying to reach a certain goal by Christmas.
Ethan is doing fantastic in Kindergarten, his best friend is Andrew, they have a great time together. He's managed to stay on 'green' (good behavior) every day except for one when he got on 'yellow' for meowing when he'd been asked not to. He's got his first loose teeth. One of them is ready any second now and the other is still working on it. He is an excellent reader and writer. He turned six last month (I failed to post anything about that, not my best performance). He loves to ride his two wheel bike, build legos, play Wii, and anything that has to do with Star Wars. He is funny, kind, smart, handsome, friendly, obedient, loving, eager to learn, good to be around.
Mason is as busy as ever. He loves playing with grandma and grandpa's dog Sis. He loves going to the gym to play with kids. He talks up a storm (those of you who know Ethan probably aren't terribly surprised since my kids have the chatter gene). I can understand 89% of what he says. He's desperately trying to give up mid-day naps, and I am desperately trying to see that he doesn't win this particular battle. He is a rascal, he is funny, he is energetic, he is loving, he is enthusiastic, he is determined, he is adorable.
As for our living situation, it is surprisingly fine. I was hugely worried about it, and while it's not perfect, it is working out very well. We have a financial goal and living here is helping us reach that goal much more quickly than if we were on our own. It has also been very beneficial while Adam has been so busy with school to have extra support and hands assisting me with my kids.
I don't love our new ward yet, but I'm working on it. I am currently serving as a Sunday School teacher for the 14&15 years olds and Adam is a Sunbeam teacher. We frequent Disneyland, since my in-laws were so generous and bought us season passes. We have been there about 10 times since we moved here.
I miss Arizona. Every time I see the desert landscape on TV I feel homesick. I do miss the desert, it really grew on me, and I even found it quite lovely. The heat, well, I could do without it, (you can't beat Orange County weather) but I miss Arizona. I miss my house, I miss my friends, I miss Gourmet Group, I miss being close to family, I miss my ward, I miss my neighbors, I miss the Mormon-ness, I miss the familiarity. I was happy there. I am now a member of the clube of the millions of people who love living in Arizona.
California will be good too.

Makings of a good wife according to Ethan

She has to be good at putting the baby to bed.

She has to be good at giving the baby it's pacifier when the baby is being a 'fussy bucket'.

She has to be a good milker.

First Day of School September 3, 2009

I'm a little late on the uptake here, but Ethan had his first day of Kindergarten! He was very excited to make friends and go to school. He was especially excited about reccess.

Here are some pics of my big boy:

Mason wanted a backpack too. Mason was the only one who cried when Ethan had to leave, I think they love eachother...

Suggestions

I'm teaching a class for Home Family and Personal Enrichment night in a few weeks. My subject is how to tighten our purse strings. I've got several ideas brewing, but could use the expertise from several of your frugal people out there. Any tips on how to save money on things from groceries to clothing to well.. just about anything. Also if you have any inexpensive meal ideas, that would be great too!

For Jodi

Part of this post is for Jodi, who made me sware on my life that my kids would be beach goers. I had not followed up on this promise until last Saturday. It's a shame really, we are rediculously close and I have been a slacker. I'm not sure who follows surfing news, but the weekend that we chose to go, the waves were enormous! The pictures do not do it justice. The beach patrol kept driving past telling us we were putting our lives at risk if we went in to the water more than knee deep, they'd had over 200 (I think thats right, if not totally accurate, very close thereto) rescues the day before. Mason had no problem following their advice, he isn't much for water. Adam on the other hand couldn't keep himself out. Ethan was okay to not be too deep in the water, but if conditions had been more agreeable he would have been boogie boarding.

Ethan is riding a bike with no training wheels! Hooray for Ethan! I know it's a little later than average, but he figured it out in about 3 minutes, so I'm sure he was ready a while ago and I just never got on top of it. We owe thanks to uncle Matthew for being the motivator.

Ethan can't wait to ride bikes with his cousins.

Carson City

The boys and I went up to my dad's house in Carson City for about 10 days, to see him, my sister Emily and brother Brent. My sister-in-law Erica came in from Texas with my nephew Dallin, and neice Bailey, and my grandma went up from the Bay Area, my brother Brian came up for the weekend (married to Erica). My aunt, Maryjo, rents a cabin at Lake Tahoe every summer, so we went to the beach for the 4th of July. The boys had an amazing time playing with their cousin and basking in being loved by my dad and grandma. We went to Virginia City and rode the train, visited my good friends Tammie and Becky, walked the Lake Tahoe Nature Trail, played at the park, ate 7 lbs of chocolate cake and 6.5 lbs. of apple pie over the course of 5 days between 5 people, went to dollar scoop Tuesdays at Baskin Robbins, chased Steve the cate, enjoyed fireworks, visited our old ward from when we lived there, Ethan went to the movies with dad and grandma. The boys spent every evening playing outside until bedtime (most of the time clothing was optional for Mason and Dallin) and eating popsicles, chasing the dog, squirting her with a squirt guns (hooray for the $1 store!), playing water-balloon toss, running through sprinklers. It was everything summer is supposed to be for little boys. It was so nice to be with my sister and sister-in-law, we laughed and laughed and ate lots of 'sensible' pieces of pie, I taught them the joy of pazookie and So-You-Think-You-Can-Dance. It was a perfect vacation, much needed. My dad's health is not great anymore, he's had to go on dialysis, so it is important to to me be sure my boys have as many good memories with him as possible, and I think I accomplished that with this trip. Here are lots and lots of pictures.

These two pics are to show how being outside playing with boys for long periods of time gently morph one into The Lord of the Flies, the one below show a small sprig of grass adorning the crown.

Ahh, summer perfection.