Friday, November 30, 2007

Thought that kept me up at 1:00am

Tact is not a talent that I currently possess. Worrying, however, is.
Last night I was visiting with two ladies who happen to have the same infertility condition that I have and I said something about how it's a good thing that I have this, otherwise I probably would have ended up with 7 children before I knew any better.
M has not been feeling well the last couple of days and he got up to eat around 1230am this morning , and as per usual, I started thinking, and when that happens, all hope of going back to sleep is lost. I realized that my comments may not have been as sensitive as they ought to have been. And I lay there mentally composing this post, and decided I should just come do it and get it out. I know the tremendous amount of emotional pain that comes with dealing with this condition. And thoughts about that will probably come up in some other post in the future. But I just need to clarify my statement, and express the fact that I am grateful (yes, I did say grateful) for the experiences that I have had because of this.
Growing up I envisioned myself the perfect mother of a large family full of happy, loving, and always obedient children. In my vision I was ever patient, kind, forgiving, full of wisdom and graciousness.
Reality is that I am 30 years old and have 2 children. They are wonderful, sweet, funny, joyful, and full of life. Note that I didn't use the three descriptives above for my reality. And I am not nearly as patient, far less kind than I could be, trying to master forgiveness, not all that smart about child rearing, and struggle with being gracious. And in all sincerity, it takes a very special person to handle having that many children, and I am not that kind of person. I admire those that are able to handle that blessing.

I am grateful for the hours, and hours, and hours that I have spent on my knees begging my Heavenly Father to send me children.
I am grateful for the mercy that he has shown to me in sending me my precious boys.
I am grateful for the sweet, yet fleeting and I'm sure miniscule, glimpses of how our Heavenly Parents feel about their children.
I am grateful that (literally) not a day goes by that I don't stop to remember what a huge gift I have been given by having 2 boys.
I am grateful for my husband who believes I am beautiful.
I am grateful that I have been taught, the hard way, that my family must be earned, is a privilege, rather than just an assumptive automatic.
I am grateful for the thousands of testimonies that the Spirit has whispered to me during the time I spend crying and wondering what is wrong with me that I have to deal with this.
I am grateful for the Savior shouldering this burden when I can't do it on my own.
I am grateful for His timing.
I am grateful for having to learn patience, and trust in my Master.
I am grateful for the ability that I have to feel compassion and empathy for others who likewise struggle with infertility.
I am grateful for the complete dependance I have on Him for all of my blessings.

Does it stink that this is something I have to deal with? Absolutely. Do I get jealous of people who have babies when they don't have to think twice about it? Always. Do I wish that the physical symptoms of this disorder didn't make me feel so completely physically unappealing? You bet. Is infertility something I would wish on anybody? Never. Do I wish I didn't have PCOS, no, I honestly don't. It has drawn me so much closer to the Savior. I have had to learn to trust in Him. Something that would have taken me a lot longer to figure out, had I been able to do this on my own.
But I have to remember that others still deal with this and it is excruciatingly painful, not being able to have children when I want them. And I have to work on being more sensitve to others feelings about this issue. I just hope that if this wonderful sister reads this, that she knows I didn't mean to say anything that seemed uncaring, but I also know that just because something isn't said with malice it doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt. I'm sorry for the hurt infertility causes, and wish that I could help.
Now, ask me next time I'm trying to get pregnant if I'm still grateful for PCOS. It may be a different story....


Kim said...

Great post Alicia...I think that trials are one of those life lessons that somehow get sweeter with age. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and growth from yours.

Becky Porter said...

Thanks so much for sharing this, Alicia! I understand what you were saying and hope that the other sister did too. Children are a blessing, and we need that reminder...but that does not change the fact that they are also a TON of work. My children bring out the best and the worst in me :)

I have not had to deal with the pain of infertility but I have had 2 miscarriages and lots of other health issues, most of which others don't know about. One of the things I am most grateful for is that having trials helps me relate more to other people.

Again, great post Alicia! Love ya!

The Malone's said...

I often get up with Finn most nights too and at first I started just mindlessly going through the motions of feeding him. But lately, I have taken a step back, to use that time to just look at my little baby and to look at what my life has really turned to. My boys drive me nuts, but they are also so much joy to have and I couldn't imagine anything else.

The McKinnon 4 said...

Hey I didnt know that you too had PCOS! Glad to know that I am not the only one in the fam with it. So did you have to do clomid to get pregnant?? We didnt with Kadence but the doctors are suprised I got pregnant on my own with her and then Kassidy was a clomid baby. Oh the joys of getting a baby. As emotional as it is, I am just glad that I HAVE been able to have two beautiful girls despite the odds!

Kenise said...

Thanks for the post! Kids are a blessing and a ton of work! Right now I am battling to stay sane after 4 nights of no sleep courtesy of a beautiful baby girl (I'd forgotten how much work a new baby can be!!) But they do help us see a glimpse of how much our Heavenly Father loves us.
And it is so nice to read how your thoughts of trying to be a better parent that is patient, loving and kind is the same as mine--its nice to know that others are trying to cope just like I am!!!
I am glad you have your two boys, they are darling and Ethan has one of the sweetest personalities--I loved watching him in Primary!

Amberly said...

completely insightful and hit awfully close to home. while we don't choose our challenges, it's amazing that we woudn't give them or the lessons they bring up. I'm glad you had pause to be grateful for the good that your life holds, it's often hard to see that through the murk. thanks for this one.

Johnson said...

Thanks for sharing such a deep part of you Alicia. I know what it is like to wait for the Lord to send a little one but to see the raw pain in your words made me think once again just how much I love and admire you!

The last Unicorn said...

I wanted to look back in your blog to see what your boys looked like when they were younger and landed upon this post. It made me cry. I love how real you are when expressing your feelings. I can relate to some of them. Infertility does stink, but at the same time you realize what a blessing it is to have children... one way or another. I sometimes look at James and still cant believe that heavenly father has entrusted me with him. Maybe I needed a few years to understand that. Thanks for sharing this.