Tact is not a talent that I currently possess. Worrying, however, is.
Last night I was visiting with two ladies who happen to have the same infertility condition that I have and I said something about how it's a good thing that I have this, otherwise I probably would have ended up with 7 children before I knew any better.
M has not been feeling well the last couple of days and he got up to eat around 1230am this morning , and as per usual, I started thinking, and when that happens, all hope of going back to sleep is lost. I realized that my comments may not have been as sensitive as they ought to have been. And I lay there mentally composing this post, and decided I should just come do it and get it out. I know the tremendous amount of emotional pain that comes with dealing with this condition. And thoughts about that will probably come up in some other post in the future. But I just need to clarify my statement, and express the fact that I am grateful (yes, I did say grateful) for the experiences that I have had because of this.
Growing up I envisioned myself the perfect mother of a large family full of happy, loving, and always obedient children. In my vision I was ever patient, kind, forgiving, full of wisdom and graciousness.
Reality is that I am 30 years old and have 2 children. They are wonderful, sweet, funny, joyful, and full of life. Note that I didn't use the three descriptives above for my reality. And I am not nearly as patient, far less kind than I could be, trying to master forgiveness, not all that smart about child rearing, and struggle with being gracious. And in all sincerity, it takes a very special person to handle having that many children, and I am not that kind of person. I admire those that are able to handle that blessing.
I am grateful for the hours, and hours, and hours that I have spent on my knees begging my Heavenly Father to send me children.
I am grateful for the mercy that he has shown to me in sending me my precious boys.
I am grateful for the sweet, yet fleeting and I'm sure miniscule, glimpses of how our Heavenly Parents feel about their children.
I am grateful that (literally) not a day goes by that I don't stop to remember what a huge gift I have been given by having 2 boys.
I am grateful for my husband who believes I am beautiful.
I am grateful that I have been taught, the hard way, that my family must be earned, is a privilege, rather than just an assumptive automatic.
I am grateful for the thousands of testimonies that the Spirit has whispered to me during the time I spend crying and wondering what is wrong with me that I have to deal with this.
I am grateful for the Savior shouldering this burden when I can't do it on my own.
I am grateful for His timing.
I am grateful for having to learn patience, and trust in my Master.
I am grateful for the ability that I have to feel compassion and empathy for others who likewise struggle with infertility.
I am grateful for the complete dependance I have on Him for all of my blessings.
Does it stink that this is something I have to deal with? Absolutely. Do I get jealous of people who have babies when they don't have to think twice about it? Always. Do I wish that the physical symptoms of this disorder didn't make me feel so completely physically unappealing? You bet. Is infertility something I would wish on anybody? Never. Do I wish I didn't have PCOS, no, I honestly don't. It has drawn me so much closer to the Savior. I have had to learn to trust in Him. Something that would have taken me a lot longer to figure out, had I been able to do this on my own.
But I have to remember that others still deal with this and it is excruciatingly painful, not being able to have children when I want them. And I have to work on being more sensitve to others feelings about this issue. I just hope that if this wonderful sister reads this, that she knows I didn't mean to say anything that seemed uncaring, but I also know that just because something isn't said with malice it doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt. I'm sorry for the hurt infertility causes, and wish that I could help.
Now, ask me next time I'm trying to get pregnant if I'm still grateful for PCOS. It may be a different story....