Thought that kept me up at 1:00am

Tact is not a talent that I currently possess. Worrying, however, is.
Last night I was visiting with two ladies who happen to have the same infertility condition that I have and I said something about how it's a good thing that I have this, otherwise I probably would have ended up with 7 children before I knew any better.
M has not been feeling well the last couple of days and he got up to eat around 1230am this morning , and as per usual, I started thinking, and when that happens, all hope of going back to sleep is lost. I realized that my comments may not have been as sensitive as they ought to have been. And I lay there mentally composing this post, and decided I should just come do it and get it out. I know the tremendous amount of emotional pain that comes with dealing with this condition. And thoughts about that will probably come up in some other post in the future. But I just need to clarify my statement, and express the fact that I am grateful (yes, I did say grateful) for the experiences that I have had because of this.
Growing up I envisioned myself the perfect mother of a large family full of happy, loving, and always obedient children. In my vision I was ever patient, kind, forgiving, full of wisdom and graciousness.
Reality is that I am 30 years old and have 2 children. They are wonderful, sweet, funny, joyful, and full of life. Note that I didn't use the three descriptives above for my reality. And I am not nearly as patient, far less kind than I could be, trying to master forgiveness, not all that smart about child rearing, and struggle with being gracious. And in all sincerity, it takes a very special person to handle having that many children, and I am not that kind of person. I admire those that are able to handle that blessing.

I am grateful for the hours, and hours, and hours that I have spent on my knees begging my Heavenly Father to send me children.
I am grateful for the mercy that he has shown to me in sending me my precious boys.
I am grateful for the sweet, yet fleeting and I'm sure miniscule, glimpses of how our Heavenly Parents feel about their children.
I am grateful that (literally) not a day goes by that I don't stop to remember what a huge gift I have been given by having 2 boys.
I am grateful for my husband who believes I am beautiful.
I am grateful that I have been taught, the hard way, that my family must be earned, is a privilege, rather than just an assumptive automatic.
I am grateful for the thousands of testimonies that the Spirit has whispered to me during the time I spend crying and wondering what is wrong with me that I have to deal with this.
I am grateful for the Savior shouldering this burden when I can't do it on my own.
I am grateful for His timing.
I am grateful for having to learn patience, and trust in my Master.
I am grateful for the ability that I have to feel compassion and empathy for others who likewise struggle with infertility.
I am grateful for the complete dependance I have on Him for all of my blessings.

Does it stink that this is something I have to deal with? Absolutely. Do I get jealous of people who have babies when they don't have to think twice about it? Always. Do I wish that the physical symptoms of this disorder didn't make me feel so completely physically unappealing? You bet. Is infertility something I would wish on anybody? Never. Do I wish I didn't have PCOS, no, I honestly don't. It has drawn me so much closer to the Savior. I have had to learn to trust in Him. Something that would have taken me a lot longer to figure out, had I been able to do this on my own.
But I have to remember that others still deal with this and it is excruciatingly painful, not being able to have children when I want them. And I have to work on being more sensitve to others feelings about this issue. I just hope that if this wonderful sister reads this, that she knows I didn't mean to say anything that seemed uncaring, but I also know that just because something isn't said with malice it doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt. I'm sorry for the hurt infertility causes, and wish that I could help.
Now, ask me next time I'm trying to get pregnant if I'm still grateful for PCOS. It may be a different story....

We spent Thanksgiving with A's side of the family this year. My parents-in-law drove from Orange County on Thursday morning, then we all drove out to A's aunt's house for the feast. E had so much fun playing with his cousins (actually, they are A's cousin, but are the same age as E. A's mom is the oldest in her family and had A when she was 19. He has an aunt that is only 3 years older than him), Sawyer and Will. They played with water guns, he pretended to be a dog while they walked him around on a leash, and they were having great fun on the air-hockey table (literally on the air-hockey table, not sure what they were doing, but they loved every second of it).
M loved being hugged and adored by his minions, and has had a hard time with the post-adoration-let-down.
On Friday Sabene (A's mom) and I went shopping with her sisters Roxanne and Shannon, and her sister-in-law Nori, and Roxanne's daughter Karly. Then we went out to lunch and met up with my sister-in-law Jodi, Sabene's other sister Tamara, Tamara's daughters Amber and Kelsey, her daughter-in-law Shiloh, and Amber's and Shiloh's daughters, for lunch. It was great fun.
On Saturday I had a consultant's party selling high end kitchen essentials, then we just spent the rest of the day lounging at my house.
All-in-all it was a good weekend. But there's nothing like a full house to help you appreciate life when it gets back to it's normalcy.
I'm trying desperately to not remember that it will be December on Saturday. With December comes so many activities that it can kind of be a burn out. I did start my holiday baking today, just to lessen the impact of it when the real deal hits my kitchen. I'll have to post pictures of before, during and after shots of how my kitchen looks during the mayhem. I don't plan to put up any Christmas decorations until probably the 3rd Saturday in December, sounds late, but it'll be the 15th. I figure that 10 days is a good amount of time to enjoy them. Plus, we don't have a free weekend before then. But it will be done, so if you come by my house and think I'm lacking Christmas spirit, don't. I do have it, I just don't want to drown in Christmas stuff, as was the custom in my house growing up. My mom had close to 75 nativity sets and for a few years had 3 Christmas trees (one in the front room, one in the dining room, and one in the family room).

Five for Friday

1. I have the flu! I'm not very good at being sick, so I'm kind of dragging today. I spent a miserable night last night. When M got up to eat this morning I had A do it. And I seriously considered not having Hunter over today. But I figured I have to take care of my own children, and it's easier having him here so that E has someone to play with. I think I'll take a nap when they do.
2. Yesterday after the rain I opened our front door to let a cross breeze through, and today I've killed probably 20 flies that decided this is a happenin' place to live.
3. Staci Anderson and I did our Visiting Teaching yesterday, and boy howdy, does it feel good to have it done a little earlier than average.
4. I can't believe that Thanksgiving is next week. I've been procrastinating thinking about it, and since it's still pretty warm here I've been successful in my denial. But now I really need to consider starting my holiday baking by the first of December, and that is quite a project.
5. I dusted one of my ceiling fans today and I realized just how poor of a housekeeper I've become since M was born. I still need to do the other 4 in the house, but I figure if I don't look that close at them, I can pretend that they're not that dirty afterall.

Veterans' Day

I love the United States of America and am so grateful to the men and women who willingly have given their lives or are now putting their lives in harms way to see that my family has the ability to worship and live the way we see fit. I always cry when the National Anthem is sung or played (but I cry about most things anyway). I was at the Pearl Harbor monument a few years ago and walked into the room where they have the names of those who died and those who were been interred with their units later, and I walked in and saw a young boy probably nine or ten, standing very reverently with is hat removed to show respect, and my I was so touched by his patriotism, one that I hope to instill in my sons as well. I truly feel that everyone who has the privilege of living here should stand and support those serving in the name of freedom.
I also saw this on Kim's blog and thought I'd list it here as well. I cried watching it (again, I cry at most things).
http://www.flashdemo.net/gallery/wake/index.htm -- Enjoy!

Literary Help

Recently I sent an email to my friends for literary help. I am having trouble finding any decent books (no swearing/sex). Here is the list of responses I've received:

Eat to Live -- Joel Fuhrman
The China Study -- T. Colin Campbell
Discipline Without Shouting or Spanking
How to Behave so Your Preschooler Will, too
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
Eating for Your Blood Type
Parenting Breakthrough
Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse (these were mentioned by about 10 people, must be really good) -- Stephenie Meyer
The Peacegiver
Artemis Fowl series
Montessori From the Start
Common Sense Economics
Basic Economics: A Common Sense Guide to the Economy
Walk Two Moons
The Hiding Place
The Goose Girl --Shannon Hale
Enna Burning
Princess Academy
Lily's Crossing
Cold Sassy Tree
These is My Words -- Nanci Turner (recommended by two friends)
Out of the Dust
Up a Road Slowly
Mitten Strings for God
Johnathan Strange and Mr. Norrell -- Susanna Clarke *
The Lovely Bones -- Alice Sebold *
Finding Darwin's God -- Kenneth Miller *
Coming to Peace with Science -- Darrel Falk *
Perspectives on an Evolving Creation -- Keith Miller *
Driven from Within -- Michael Jordan *
Suite Francaise -- Irene Nemirovsky (I've read this and love -- LOVE it) *
Night -- Elie Wiesel *
Bear Grylls' 3 books -- Bear Grylls *
The Language of God -- Francis Collins *
A Girl Named Zippy -- Haven Kimmel
Angle of Repose -- Wallace Stegner
Ava's Man -- Rick Bragg
Follow the River -- James Alexander Thorn
Great Expectations -- Charles Dickens
Pride & Prejudice -- Jane Austen (I've read and enjoyed)
Return to Modesty -- Wendy Schallit
The Secret Life of Bees -- Sue Monk Kidd
The Six Wives of Henry the VIII -- Allison Weir
The Princess Bride *
Number 1 Ladies Detective Agency -- Alexander McCall Smith (a series)
Mark of the Lion -- Francine Rivers (a series)
Harry Potter Series
The Lightning Thief -- Rick Riordan
The Sea of Monsters -- Rick Riordan
The Titan's Curse -- Rick Riordan
I, Claudius
Aragon -- Christopher Paolini (I've read this and liked it a lot, don't base an opinion of it on the movie, which really stunk)
Eldest -- Christopher Paolini (same as above notation)
The Birth Order
Clearing Your Clutter with Fung Shui
The Shell Seekers -- Rosamunde Pilcher
Mitford Series -- Jan Karon
Les Miserables -- Victor Hugo
The Count of Monte Cristo
The Scarlett Pimpernel
anything by Nicholas Sparks
anything by C.S. Lewis
anything my Mary Higgins Clark (I've read some and enjoyed them)

The titles with * have been recommended by my brothers and I trust their judgment implicitly.

~What are your favorite books?

~Have you read any of the above, would you recommend it or not?

~Which authors do you enjoy reading?

~What are you reading currently?

I'm open to all genres of literature, so if you have a suggestion send it my way. Sorry I don't cite all of the authors, some suggestions came my way without any name.

How Much Listening is Acutally Required of a Mother?!

It's mostly my fault (mostly). Today E came to me and told me that they (he and Hunter, a little boy I babysit) were picking leaves for his caterpillar. As per usual I said something to the effect of 'Oh, that sounds like fun' and continued on my merry way doing whatever it was I was doing at the moment. Here is the result:

My poor little plant! I had just gotten done reviving it from being sick in the first place, and now it's become plastic caterpillar food!
I really have no one to blame but myself. The problem being that E says so much per day that I can only take in about 65% of what comes out of that cute little mouth. If I actually processed everything I'd probably be much crazier than I already am. I have to hold tight to every sliver of sanity that I currently posses, it's a greatly appreciated commodity around here.

What's your name?

I've seen this on a couple of Blogs and thought it would be fun to post here. You can do the same on your blog, it's kind of fun:

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car) Taffy Le Sabre
2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie) Daquiri Ice Oreo
3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name) Agil
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal), Yellow Tiger
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, hospital where you were born), Kaiser
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first), Gilal
7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink),The purple cranberry juice
8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers), Darwin John
9.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names ), Lewis
10. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter), Rose Raleigh
11. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower). Fall Lilac
12. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”)Nectarine flip-floppy
13. HIPPIE NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree), Shredded Wheat Pine
14. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”), The cooking rain tour

November, Already!

Yesterday was Halloween. E was Spiderman and M was a Tootsie Roll, so cute! We went trick or treating, and En got lots of loot. One house scared E pretty bad, almost to the point of not wanting to go trick or treating anymore, shameful. When they opened the door there was a big scarey guy with a chainsaw. E stood there for a few seconds then screamed and ran back to us. The really sad part was that they were looking out the window and saw that it was just a little boy, but did it anyway. These are the kind of things that make A hate Halloween.

Another fun thing, M turned 6 months old on Sunday. I can't believe that he is that old already. He's sitting up all by himself, and he's starting to push himself up on his hands an knees, wanting to crawl. I have mixed feelings about this. One being that I don't want him to be mobile yet, that other being that it would be nice for him to be able to entertain himself a little better. We gave M vegetables for the first time on Monday, green beans. He H-A-T-E-S them! Not just, eww, that's not very yummy, I mean gagging, shuddering, that is the most vile thing I've ever had in my mouth kind of hatred. Of course, being the compassionate mother I am, I laughed every time he would shudder. He's had it once a day since Monday, not very much, just enough to make sure that he's not allergic to it. We'll move onto peas tomorrow, hopefully that will go over better.