I made a list today of the goals that I had to help my day go more smoothly. And I'm happy to report that I met almost all of them.
Hopefully by keeping track of the good days the bad days won't seem so overwhelming. Focusing on the baby steps will lead to an overall improvement.
The loneliness that was so encompassing a few weeks ago is starting to clear out, and I'm able to see a more positive horizon. While I'm still working on getting meaning out of scripture study, at least I've been able to follow through on my commitment to actually read a little every day. Yesterday I was reading in Alma 60 and the phrase "...be up and doing..." in verse 24 really stuck out to me. I may be starting over with baby steps, but at least if I plug along and am up and doing things will work for the better.
I love my children, but do all kids bicker endlessly? Don't they realize that by antagonizing each other they are ultimately antagonizing me, and that makes for a mean-mom? How do I take that 3 second pause to think through the frustration before I react? I used to know how, but somehow I've lost that one. I did better today, I made sure to praise good behavior, but I still need to figure out a strategy for implementing a 3 second think before react rule. When they play together it's a great thing, they play together swimmingly, but when they bicker it is soooooo frustrating. E loves to do things that will make M screech and M will screech just to get E to stop doing things. They were made for each other, they are not brothers by accident, they're good for each other, but they are also maddening.
In Alma 50 verses 21 & 22 we see that it was the quarrelings and contentions of the people of Nephi which ultimately brought their own destructions. The success of this family depends on if we can stick together, if we can be happy together, I am responsible for my own thoughts of contention towards my children, and it is up to me that I change that so that we can all be exalted together.
I am not by nature a mean person. I am a caring person, I am a thoughtful person, I am a trusting person, how do I return to my nature?
I'm working on humility. I recognize that my heart is harder than it should be, I can't make it over on my own, this is beyond my capabilities. I've been knocked down a few pegs and I need help to reach my goal.