2009 Wrap-Up

On this last day of 2009 I just thought I'd post some of the wind-up items that need to be addressed:

While I don't have any real profound insights into the gradual healing that is happening in my heart right now, I can tell you that it is happening. And not by any power of my own. My heart, while not totally where I would like to be, it feels (quite literally) softer, there is not as much chaos in my emotions. The burden is definitely being shared at this point, and I am very grateful to my Savior for taking the reigns on this one. It isn't happening overnight but as soon as I placed it on His shoulders the struggle became less profound. I have a long way to go yet, but the hill isn't as steep, and I'm coming to the crest of the summit much quicker than I anticipated.

Something big is waiting to happen in my life, I don't know what it is, but Satan has been doing his all to prevent me from getting there. I've got to win this one.

I was PROFOUNDLY moved while reading Mormon 8 verses 1-13 my loneliness is minuscule compared to the grief that Moroni endured, and he bore it bravely and with complete confidence in the Lord, his faith was not shaken, and his love for the Lord was made sure. I have my amazing husband, E and M, my friends and my family, I am not nearly as alone as he was. The end to my trial is in sight, where he had to persevere through his for the rest of his life on earth, which made his blessings that much sweeter when he received them, as mine will be likewise.

I appreciate all of your kind thoughts and suggestions, there are so many great examples of righteous mothers out there, I am humbled by your confidence in my abilities and am eternally grateful for your prayers, they have assuredly been felt.


Onward:

A's 2009-

A is a faithful priesthood holder who has put his pride on the back burner more often that he would have liked to this year. He listened to the Spirit telling him how best to provide for his family, took a huge leap of faith and totally overhauled his career path, doing what we all knew he was born to do and doing it well. He graduated #1 in the class above 17 other people, receiving 4 of the 7 awards for top marks in different categories in his class and received huge compliments and praises from his instructors and was asked to come back to teach for the classes that will come behind him. I am very grateful to the Lord for sending me a husband who is exactly right for me, is always helpful and supportive, even tempered and strong, funny and wise, faithful and honest, brave and trusting, confident and gentle -- Amazing. He is a Sunbeam teacher in our ward.

E's 2009-

E's 6th year on this earth was full of change. He now lives with 5 adults who all love him completely. He lives in California and can spend 300 days of the year outside in perfect weather. He started Kindergarten, is in the top reading group of his class, got his first report card and did perfectly in all but 2 categories that he will work on. He lost his first 2 teeth, learned how to ride a bike, is old enough to be out of the booster seat in the car, is a champion Wii player, awesome reader, funny story teller, can make friends anywhere he goes, loves to write books (I wonder where he got that from?), loves to play with his brother, loves to be right, loves to help with chores, loves to go camping, hunting, hiking, and to Disneyland (he is tall enough for all but 1 of the rides, he's even brave enough for the Haunted Mansion, but not quite brave enough for Indiana Jones), he has become concerned with looking 'cool' by making sure his hair is always styled (as styled as his stick-straight blonder than blond hair can be). He weighs: 53 lbs and is 48" tall, his favorite person is Jacob. Best quote of the year: There are too many to choose from, but off the top of my head, see the post about Past Tense. He wants to be a bounty hunter when he grows up.

M's 2009-

M's 2nd full year on this earth was also full of change, he too lives with 5 adults who love him completely. He lives in California and can spend 300 days of the year outside in perfect weather. He loves his class at church, loves to play at the day-care at the gym, loves Sis, the dog (will play outside by himself for hours if she's there with him), can talk up a storm (you are very talented if you understand the entire storm), loves to ride bikes with his dad and brother, can hit a baseball most of the time, became very brave at swimming lessons, is tiny but tough and fast, loves to cook and clean, hates to eat (cuts out of playtime), loves to wrestle, is running when he's going, loves Disneyland, but not the rides, is as big as his brother (if you ask him). He weighs 29 lbs and is 36" tall, his best friend is Brooklyn. Best quote of the year: while helping me make cookies and looking up at me from the stool: Mom! Your nose!
Me: What's wrong with my nose?
Mn: There are spiders in there!
He wants to shoot monsters when he grows up.

I made goals for my body and met them by the end of the year, and now have set new ones to work for by the end of March. The financial goals that we set fell just short of completion, but will be met by the end of January. We have set new ones for 2010 and will hunker down to achieve them. I have also set personal goals for my spiritual growth and they are coming along.

It has been a year of change and of blessings, for that we are grateful.

We look foward to what is to come.

Christmas 2009

I don't have the pictures to post right now, those will come later. Our Christmas was a good one this year. The boys and I went up to visit with my family in the Bay Area for a few days before Christmas. The boys had a super-great time playing with their cousins Dallin and Bailey. And I had a very good visit with my sister, brother, sister-in-law, dad, cousin and her husband. It was a fast trip, but worth the time it took to get there. I think M made my dad's day, my dad got there after they'd gone to bed on Wednesday night and when M got up in the morning and saw him, he yelled 'Papa!' and jumped into his arms. He loves his grandpa (he's got good taste, he's a pretty great guy, if I do say so). We went bowling as is the Reed family tradition, but since we were driving home on Christmas Eve (which is when the festivities usually begin) we went on Wednesday. I can't say it was terribly fun, there were a lot of people there 4 kids, and 4 adults in our party, it was a bit chaotic. I got to have food from Bancheros Restaurant, an Italian restaurant that is legendary in our family, it brought back good feelings from my childhood.
We drove home on Christmas Eve, just in time for Santa to find us and drop off his goods.
E's Christmas was mostly Star Wars and Legos and Star Wars Legos, so he was in hog heaven.
M's Christmas was mostly Batman and vehicles, he got a super-sweet as big as his torso helicopter and as soon as he saw that, Christmas was over, he took it for a spin in the playroom and wasn't seen for several minutes afterwards. He loves it.
My Christmas was clothes (I always love new clothes) and a few kitchen items that I have been eyeballing for a while, I can't wait to use them to make something delicious.
A's Christmas was mostly stuff for work, and a few things for hunting/camping (work accessories are pretty costly).
A had to work Christmas Eve and Christmas night, which was a little bit of a bummer, but he got home in time for present unwrapping and breakfast then had Christmas dinner with us before he had to head out again.
It was a good day, worth all the time and money put in to it, to see how much my boys loved their loot.
Hopefully each of you had a very Merry Christmas as well.

Baby Steps

I made a list today of the goals that I had to help my day go more smoothly. And I'm happy to report that I met almost all of them.

Hopefully by keeping track of the good days the bad days won't seem so overwhelming. Focusing on the baby steps will lead to an overall improvement.

The loneliness that was so encompassing a few weeks ago is starting to clear out, and I'm able to see a more positive horizon. While I'm still working on getting meaning out of scripture study, at least I've been able to follow through on my commitment to actually read a little every day. Yesterday I was reading in Alma 60 and the phrase "...be up and doing..." in verse 24 really stuck out to me. I may be starting over with baby steps, but at least if I plug along and am up and doing things will work for the better.

I love my children, but do all kids bicker endlessly? Don't they realize that by antagonizing each other they are ultimately antagonizing me, and that makes for a mean-mom? How do I take that 3 second pause to think through the frustration before I react? I used to know how, but somehow I've lost that one. I did better today, I made sure to praise good behavior, but I still need to figure out a strategy for implementing a 3 second think before react rule. When they play together it's a great thing, they play together swimmingly, but when they bicker it is soooooo frustrating. E loves to do things that will make M screech and M will screech just to get E to stop doing things. They were made for each other, they are not brothers by accident, they're good for each other, but they are also maddening.
In Alma 50 verses 21 & 22 we see that it was the quarrelings and contentions of the people of Nephi which ultimately brought their own destructions. The success of this family depends on if we can stick together, if we can be happy together, I am responsible for my own thoughts of contention towards my children, and it is up to me that I change that so that we can all be exalted together.
I am not by nature a mean person. I am a caring person, I am a thoughtful person, I am a trusting person, how do I return to my nature?

I'm working on humility. I recognize that my heart is harder than it should be, I can't make it over on my own, this is beyond my capabilities. I've been knocked down a few pegs and I need help to reach my goal.

Baby Steps.