Well, I'm not sure what the outcome of this post will be. I've been putting it off, and mentally composing it for several weeks, so I'm not totally sure the direction I'm going to head in, let the words works their magic, I suppose.
Mostly I need to know if I'm alone in my feelings here?
I am a mother.
I feel like the worlds worst mother sometimes (a lot of sometimes). And I'm not exagerating, or fishing for compliments, or reassurances, I just need to know if I am the only one who feels this way. I love my children 100%, but like them about 70% of the time. I feel like most of my day is eaten up in correction and not in gentle, loving guidance.
There was a time when I wasn't sure if I would have any children, and miraculously, I was blessed with E who has such an enormous spirit that I'm surprised it fits in his body. He is a GREAT kid! He is funny, kind, obedient, smart, respectful, honest, caring, hard working, senstive, but no one can make me as livid as E can.
Then there was a time when I wasn't sure if I would have two children, and miraculously I was blessed with M who is one of the most determined people I know. He was definitely prepared in heaven for the challenges of these last days. He is smart, funny, energetic, determined, happy, loving, goofy, but no one can frustrate me like M does.
I begged Heavenly Father to send me these people, and I promised Him that I would do everything I could to return them to Him. I'm afraid I'm falling short.
I don't know how on earth I deserve to be the mortal custodians of these amazing leaders of Zion. I'm not kind enough, I'm not gentle enough, I'm not nurturing enough, I'm not loving enough, in short, I'm not good enough.
I feel these two huge spirits and am afraid instead of lifting them up and helping them to direct those spirits into greatness that I'm crushing them, ruining the basic purity of who they are.
Why don't I laugh enough with them? I want them to remember a happy childhood, not a grumpy mom.
How do I take a step back and just appreciate them for who they are, and not let the frustration of the moment overwhelm the joy?
I was once promised that I would have joy in my children. So far 'joy' is not the word I would pick for my feelings. The more appropriate sensation is just-making-it-to-the-end-of-the-day-without-sending-someone-to-their-room-or-to-the-corner.
We were thinking of trying to have another baby in the next few months but every time I considered the idea of getting pregnant, I just dreaded the idea. It's not that I don't want more children, it's that I don't want more children, I know that is contradictory, but I just don't know how I would handle another one when I don't appreciate that ones I've got. We've put the fertility treatments on the back burner until I can figure out how to be confident in my abilities to raise these boys and feel like I deserve having someone else in our family.
When I was a teenager I had two friends that everytime I felt like they needed me too much I would stop being their friend and move on to another friend to cling to. Miraculously they forgave me and we have great relationships now, and the hard feelings are resolved. It kills me today to think of how awful I treated them. But I'm afraid I'm doing that to my kids. They need me too much, so I'm pushing them away and trying to find the...something, I don't know what.
The other non-light thought that needs to be resolved is my feeling of being spiritually alone. I've done it to myself. I'm being lazy in my testimony building. But it's a funk I don't know how to shake, I do know how, but I haven't processed the kick that I need to get back into the swing of things. Maybe I need to prove that I want it enough to work at it. It's the little things that are the hardest right now. Getting on my knees everyday, reading my scriptures everyday, feeling grateful. And honestly, having confidence that Heavenly Father loves me.
Rationally I know these thoughts are useless and I know the logic behind the fact that He loves me. But I think of those things and I hear those things from other people and they trail in to: blah, blah, blah.
It's a hard feeling to describe, it's not that I feel that I'm not loved, it's that I feel like I've given up on myself. I'm not good enough to make it to the Celestial Kingdom, so why am I wasting my time? If I died today I wouldn't be exaulted, but my wheels are spinning because I'm not doing the kind of things I need to do to change that.
I have a testimony, I know the church is true, I know the Savior loves me, but I don't FEEL it. I feel alone.
And those are the thoughts that have been stewing for quite a while, maybe just having them out there will help resolve them. Hopefully anyway.