Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Done

Have you ever been 'Done'?
Well today I am.
For too long I have been entertaining self-destructive, counter productive thoughts and feelings of inadequacy and unimportance. I would look at others around me and be mad at myself for not being as good as them. I would read other blogs that really are uplifting and meant to edify and just feel like I have fallen so short of my potential.
I have had a lot of very personal insights in the last few days regarding my worth to my Heavenly Parents and I have decided to be done coasting spiritually. I am who I am and I am not expected to be more, I'm just expected to be the best me that I can and not worry about how I measure to others, because there is no such measuring stick. I know that this may seem like a duh thing to most people. But for some reason I am just now learning. It probably won't be the last time in my life that I have to come to that conclusion, but for now, the lesson is still fresh.
When I think of coasting in a car I realize that the car has no acceleration and eventually it will stop. That is not going to be me.
Jesus Christ is my Savior. Joseph Smith is a prophet of God. Prayer works. And that is the reality of my faith.
I'm also done feeling like I am not of worth to people around me.
I don't have a lot of close friends in the Phoenix area but I do have a lot of friends, so I'm going to be okay with that. While I struggle with maintaing casual relationships one of my talents is being a very good close friend [it seems like those two would cancel each other out, but just ask those who are my closest friends, most of them didn't like me very much (read 'at all') in the beginning]. I thrive on strong friendships but the right one has not come a long yet, and that is just the nature of my season in life right now.
I have also felt that I have been poorly judged by some around me as a mean mother to E. The fact of the matter is that Heavnly Father sent him to me because I would be the best mother for him, and while I am not perfect at it I try everyday to do the things that will give him the tools to return to our Father in Heaven. I love him, he loves me. He is happy, smart, friendly, caring, polite, kind hearted, adventurous, the list goes on. We have a happy home, and he is not mistreated, so I am done caring what others might think of my relationship with him because we have a good one.
I am valued by my Savior, my husband, my parents, my children, my siblings, the Wolf Pack, My Fishbien (Hardt), and now myself.
I am officially -- Done!

10 comments:

The McKinnon 4 said...

Good for you! I understand how you feel about being worried about how others view you and the relationship you have with your children. I have often worried that others thought I was handling my motherhood role wrong and didnt agree on how I raise my children BUT I finally can to realize that I do what I feel is best for my little family and if others dont agree then oh well. Unfortunately we dont get to see you guys as much as I would like to but when we are together I have always thought you were a wonderful mother. Your boys are beautiful and it is very obvious that they are so happy and so loved and come from a very wonderful home. =)

Ashlee said...

I like this post. I like your direct approach. I like your comments about Ethan - what a great list. I love coasting comments. Thanks for sharing.

Jeff and Ashleigh said...

I'm glad you wrote this post. I think we all have some degree of some or all of those feelings at some point. It helps to realize that we're not the only one who feels the same way. If it helps, I have never thought of you as a mean mom to Ethan. And I also feel that you and I have a lot in common. Had I not moved from AZ, I would have liked to get to know you better. I just wasn't motivated enough to look outside my own busy life with all my little babies to try to make friends (I didn't have very many close friends either - still don't). Anyway, I'm glad you're looking forward and inward. You're a great mom and a great person. Your family and friends are very lucky.

Becky said...

I'm glad to be one of your friends! You are an example of a great mother and overall a wonderful person to me. Ethan is one of the best behaved kids I've met!

courtneygrover said...

You are a good friend. And a good mother. And a good cook. And a good camper. I will be thinking of you tomorrow at the farmer's market, my friend. Keep up the being doneness :)

Amy said...

Can I just say "RIGHT ON!" ?

Becky said...

Oh, Alicia--you have so much to offer and constantly amaze me...really I am totally flabbergasted that anyone who has met you would question your mothering ability!

I big part of me wishes that I was in a different season of my life so that I would have more to offer you but--like you--I have found that I can only do my best. Right now my schedule is not my own but I'm hoping that someday I'll have more time to hang out with people :)

Love you!

Amberly said...

thanks for putting this out there. I hope that whatever you have been learning lately is giving you the peace you've been looking for. I struggle occasionally with that comparison issue as well, but you're very insightful to keep coming back to the fact that Heavenly Father didn't make me to be like her, only to be me. And that's pretty amazing if you ask me!

The Crisps said...

Alicia I love this post! You are a great mom and the thing that i admire most about you is that you are on top of things. Ethan is such a great kid and he is that way because of how he is being raised.
good job! The problem is that other people need to be more like you in there parenting and maybe there kids would behave more! hahaha Like mine!

Your a real sweetheart!

Sharr said...

AMEN SISTAH!!!! tell it like it is! we all need to post this post on our blogs and read it daily! it's such a huge waste of energy and potential that we ALL do, trying to please everyone who's opinion really just doesn't matter--- so stick it to 'em little missy!!