Cycle V -- Day 3

I went in for my baseline ultrasound today. Dr. M. and I talked and decided that we'll do IUI this month, and if I don't get pregnant this cycle that I'll need to start doing hMG shots next cycle. But in the meantime I start my Femara again tonight and go back for an ultrasound on day twelve.

Lessons learned:
1. Glazed doughnuts really do make the world a little bit brighter.
2. Don't blog about starting a new cycle on the first day.

Looking back my post seems a little dramatic, and while it is a true view of my heart on Saturday a few days have made a big difference. I'm still deeply disappointed and am not sure if I can talk about it in person without crying, but we'll see, I suppose.
It's hard because we all have a game plan for what we want the plays to be for our lives. But then a linebacker pops up. While not everyone deals with infertility there is always something; whether it be divorce, death of a loved one, an unexpected career change, any personal disaster and suddenly the playbook is altered and we find ourselves scrambling to figure out which way to run next; and then we think we see the touchdown on the horizon and the quarterback gets sacked. But I'm not at the 4th and 10, more like the 1st and 3-ish, and it's not quite the fourth quarter, more like half-time.

Cycle V -- Day 1

I started my new cycle today. My brain says that I'm fine, that I can wait another month. But my heart isn't in agreement. I feel like a hot shower, a raised doughnut, and bed.

I'll talk about this in a few days, but not today.

Cycle IV -- Day 25

Progesterone was at 18, anything over 10 is a sign of ovulation. I go in next Monday for a blood pregnancy test.
Here's hoping I don't start a new cycle...

Cycle IV -- Days 12, 14, 16 & 17

I went last week on day 12 to check my follicles and there was no growth. I was extremely bummed, but they scheduled me to come back 2 days later to see if there was any change. I went in on day 14 and there were two that were getting close and 1 that didn't look like it would make it, but none of them were ready to be stimulated for ovulation so they scheduled me for day 16, I went back on day 16 and the one of the two bigger ones was ready, Dr. M. was not in the office and the LPN wanted me to wait one more day to see if the smaller of the two larger ones would grow as that would give me two mature eggs. I went back on day 17 and both of the larger ones were ready and the smaller 3rd was almost ready, so Dr. M. had me do the hCG injection since she didn't think the biggest one would last another day. A and I decided to not do IUI this cycle, just try things on our own. IUI is so stressful that I think I needed a break from it. So here I sit on day 20 waiting to see what happens. It would be awesome to get pregnant without the IUI procedure, but if it doesn't work out that way, we'll be back in next cycle. I go in next Monday which will be day 25 to have a progesterone blood test to be sure that I ovulated.

My last period lasted a very long time, usually I am 7 days even, but for some reason I went for almost 11. It was pretty disconcerting, but Dr. M. said it was nothing to worry about.

Both this time and last time after the hCG injection I had pretty severe cramping during the following 48 hours. I can only guess that it had to do with ovulation, but will have to ask Dr. M. My breasts have been pretty tender both this cycle and last cycle as well. Last cycle they stopped being so sensitive 3 or 4 days before I started my period.

I had A give me a priesthood blessing on Sunday night and I won't go in to details as I feel that blessing are very personal. Blessings are a tricky thing, sometimes you hear what you want, sometimes you don't, sometimes you hear something totally unexpected. All of the above happened for me this time. I am grateful for a wonderful husband who honors his priesthood and is worthy to act in the name of our Savior. It was a good experience and I feel peaceful about whatever the outcome of our fertility treatments may be. Putting my testimony out in such a public setting as this and expressing my confidence in what I feel lays in store for me is incredibly scary. I hope that I am able to not take the pressure too personally.

I don't tweet, but if I did, I would have for sure today

I have a new BFF, her name is Rose, despite the language barrier this lady had me at hello, she is a massage therapist at Tracy Nails on the corner of B&T. Is it possible to love someone's hands as much as I loved this lady's? I'm being disloyal, I have a sister and two friends who are amazing MTs, but this lady is special. Oh the magic of that hour! A gave me a gift certificate for Christmas: $60 for a 1 hour pedicure and a 1 hour massage. If he had spent $560 I would not have felt cheated, that's how much I enjoyed Rose and her services. If I wasn't so selfish I'd tell her that she should be working for celebrities, but I think I'll keep her right here in the OC, thank you very much.

For $12.99 I got a pair of pj bottoms at Target and they are the most comfortable item of clothing I currently own, I just might go get 12 or 40 more pairs. They're the best under $13 investment I've made in several years.

I had my eyebrows threaded for the first time yesterday. It was an interesting experience, the brow part was less painful than waxing, but the lid part was way more painful than waxing, like a cross between waxing and plucking. The jury is still out as to whether I'll do it again, but I guess for $7, the deal can't be beat. Hollywood Eyebrows in the WM mall, upstairs outside of Target.

For Valentine's Day A and I went out to dinner at a Shabu Shabu restaraunt. This was my first experience with Shabu Shabu - similar to the Melting Pot, but without cheese. They bring you a pot of broth, and you cook your meat and veggies at the table. You could either eat it in a soup, or on a plate. They had two amazing sauces, one was a sesame sort of sauce and the other was a ponzu sauce (which I LOVED), and they had a paste that wasn't wasabi, but better, I have no idea what it was, but when mixed with soy sauce it was perfection. We were adventurous and it paid off. We then went to see Harry Potter 7 part I at the $3 theater and loved it, are a bit ashamed that we didn't see it earlier, but are glad that we finally did, it was excellent.

Went to a bodyworks class on Friday to an instructor that I hadn't been to before and she really kicked my hiney. My arms ached for days, will definitely go back. If you don't feel the burn then the workout was a failure, in my opinion.

Starting -- Cycle III -- Day 29 & Cycle IV Day 1

The last 2 weeks have been very long weeks. Every twinge, cramp, ache, swollenness, pimple, emotional roller coaster and tiredness was put under cross-examination to determine if it were a symptom of pregnancy. Alas, none of them were.
A week after the IUI I went in for blood work to test my progesterone level to be sure that I ovulated. Anything over a 10 was good, I was at 35. I frankly wasn't surprised after all the cramping that I had after the shot, if I hadn't ovulated I would have been shocked.
I had to wait two weeks after the IUI before I had my blood pregnancy test. I spent the last 7 days searching my heart to see if it felt like I was pregnant, and I could never rest on thinking that I was. I told my body all week, 'Okay, if you're not pregnant, start a new cycle by Friday.' Friday morning I woke up clean, and my hope was rekindled. I went in for my blood work and asked the nurse if it was normal to not have any symptoms and she said it was. But by after lunch my new cycle had started. Dr. M. called later in the afternoon to confirm that that blood work was negative.
It wouldn't be honest of me to say that I am disappointed that I'm not pregnant, but I'm not devastated. I was extremely hopeful that it had worked.
I was not wild about being due on October 14 (which would have been the anniversary of my mom's death and very close to E's birthday), and I've taken a couple of months off from the gym and was hoping to get back in to my routine before getting pregnant, so there are some upsides to it not happening yet.
I have been proverbially counting my chickens though. I've been talking about things for after 'the baby' is born and buying the things that I know we'll need. My confidence in getting pregnant is not shaken, it's just not this month; it will be another month.
Every prayer that M says he asks to be blessed with a sister, a baby and a cat (always in that order) and he frequently tells people that mom doesn't have a baby in her belly, but will soon! Both boys are excited and hopeful and that gives me even more confidence because I know that children's prayers are sincere.

So the next step is start taking the Femara again on days 3-7 and go in for a baseline ultrasound on days 5 or 6.

Don't cry for me, I'm not yet.

Starting -- Cycle III -- Days 12 & 14

I went in on Tuesday for my day 12 ultrasound, Dr. M. wasn't there so Dr. Anderson examined me. There was a follicle on each side but neither was ready so he had me make an appointment for today.
Day 14 proved much better. I went in for my ultrasound, there are now 3 viable follicles. I had my hCG shot and we will go in tomorrow for IUI, very early since A gets off of work at 6:30am. We might do an additional IUI on Saturday if the follicles are still there tomorrow. But tomorrow is the critical day.

Send fertile thoughts my way this weekend!

I have still been relatively stress free about this, but I am also starting to wonder how long we can afford to continue with the treatments. I hate to give Heavenly Father a deadline, but we don't have unlimited funds. I'm sure He knows all of that and I hope that my timeline is the same has His.

Different

Growing up our family had a cat, her name was Taffy and she was the sweetest cat in the the world, truly and honestly. She was also a might huntress. She would always bring prey home, one time a small rabbit, another time a duck and managed to carry them up on top of the roof and drop them next to my parents bedroom window. When I was about 16 she had to wear The Cone. She got a bad cut on one of her shoulders and had to have it stitched up and then was sentenced to the cone so she wouldn't bite the stitches. She was so funny, at first when she would wake up the cone would scare her and she would try to back out of it; or if I put her down on my bed and the cone was facing down and she couldn't see what was on either side she would just sit there with her face stuck to the bed. It was pretty darn funny at the time.
In other non-fertility related news: I got glasses. I have been fighting it for years and have ignored my need to squint at things more than 70 feet away, but I gave in. I went in for my eye appointment and found out I have Astigmatism and need prescription glasses especially for driving. I was very glad to know that I don't have to wear them all the time. And now that I have them I can feel for poor Taffy. My peripheral vision with them on is blocked and it sucks not being able to see to the sides because of a blockage.
I don't love them.

Starting -- Cycle III -- Days 1 & 2

Yesterday I started cycle 3 of this journey. I was due to go in for a blood pregnancy test and since my cycle started in the morning I called and cancelled my appointment. The nurse called back and said that they still wanted me to come in since there are some women who bleed in the first trimester, and since I'd had post-implantation bleeding with both pregnancies I thought there was a possibility that was what it had been. I went in for the test and a baseline ultrasound.
Bloodwork came back after lunch time. Negative. I was not overly surprised. I'd figured all week that I wasn't pregnant and have been very calm about it. After the hCG injections to stimulate ovulation on Christmas Eve there was only about 36 hours that A and I were together, so I was not confident in the effectiveness of our endeavors.
While it would have been a wonderful surprise to be pregnant, I am not stressed about it. I had a very tiny amount of hope that it had worked, but in my heart I knew I was not. My hope is not gone for the furture, I just knew it wasn't that month, soon, but not for cycle II.

I start taking two 2.5mg of Femara tomorrow and am continuing on the Metformin, which isn't giving me as many stomach problems. I go in for another ultrasound on day 12 or 13, depending on when I can schedule the appointment for.

Still feeling good!